Things are changing rapidly, or more like, they just feel like they are sliding into place. My life has felt extremely scattered, my focus all over the place. It’s been extremely frustrating. But all of a sudden all the lack of focus made sense. This is going to be a vague post and I apologise in advance. but I found a sense of peace today. I didn’t understand why everything felt wrong lately. My passion for performing, once my only driving force, felt off. Like I wanted to want it and I don’t know who am if I don’t have a burning drive to train and perform. But nothing I did felt right, it felt like being caged. I’d get excited in theory and then when I showed up it felt….off. With a few exceptions. There have been a few gigs and auditions that felt really good. and the rest just didn’t make sense.
So here I am and plans have changed once again. But in a beautiful way. Now I have a focus. Its interesting how sometimes you just have to wait and trust that the universe will open the doors and you’ll know which ones to go through.
I’m going back to finish cosmetology school, but I’m going full time. No splitting myself in a million different directions because I’m afraid to commit and lose out on other options. My focus will be school, taking care of my family (Dan and Gypsy) and personal fitness (yoga and cardio). That’s it. I trust the direction my life is going and I’m actually really excited! I’ve love the life I’ve had. I can finally see that I’ve done some amazing things and anything I do after is just adding to it, not taking away. I thought watching the deaths of my possible selves (full time aerialist, dancer and teacher, broadway bound triple threat) meant I failed but it doesn’t. I’ve done so many things in my lifetime and my career. I’ve had a successful and satisfying career in performing that has allowed me to do – aerial work, dance, voice, acting, film, stunts, choreography and sample many different cultures. I’ve been able to travel and work with my husband and some really great people. I have no regrets heading into this next phase of my life. But it is a next phase. Travel has dropped off, dancing ended yesterday, I haven’t done aerial work for 6 months. I’ve actually been singing more and I’m lucky to be a part of a production of the Vagina Monologues next month. I’m hard working, I’m loving and smart. Its time for the “next”. I’m not saying I’ll never perform again. It’s just not first priority anymore. and I’m at peace. Peace is a welcome feeling 🙂
Yoga is my jam. I’m feeling my body change and stretch and grow and strengthen with each class. It’s really important to do it nearly every day, I can see that now. I needed to pick something and work on letting it work my body. And yoga chose me right now. I was loving the hot classes and the teachers I had there. But because a change in my health and circumstances I have to find another way. No more hot yoga and I need more accessibility and I’ll be honest, I need to not have to spend $80 a month to get my yoga on.
So I found the my solution. Gaia.com I’ve looked at heaps of streaming yoga classes and I have a few downloaded. My favourites being my Tara Stiles classes. But they aren’t advanced enough to keep pushing me or varied enough. but on Gaia.com I pay $10 a month to have unlimited to access to tons of yoga classes and pilates, meditation, documentaries. The classes range from beginner to advanced with all different styles and focuses. Bonus that I’m loving pilates too and Mari Windsor’s classes are included.
This morning I did an ashtanga flow class for intermediate practitioners. Now here’s the thing, I’m pushed harder in class with an instructor present and I sweat more when it’s 100 degrees. But that just means I need to step up my own practice and when I can drop in to led classes. For now this is what I have to do so its up to me to keep moving forward and challenging myself.
And of course, continue cardio . I’m loving the elliptical especially since its been raining like crazy but I’ve gotta hit the pavement soon. There’s a 15k I’m longing to do in February (Hot Chocolate Run!).
Life is music
music is life
I bend and I fold
I’m one with the tide
I live in the rhythm
I feel in my soul
I move to the beat
that my hearts grown to know
but sometimes I falter
forget whats inside
sometimes I question
I doubt and I hide
but saving my soul
over and again
the music my lover
my saviour, my friend
I’ve had a great day and I attribute some of that to the weather taking a turn towards “spring” and some of it to enough sleep, not being sick, having goals. I got a bunch ticked off my to do list, I got an hour of sweating in this morning, AFTER I took the pup for an hour long walk. She loves being outside, she’s got a true spaniel nature.
But I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you that music has made my day today. I’ve always been deeply connected music, all kinds. Rhythm runs inside me, moving me, changing me, shaping me from the inside out. Whenever I have felt “flow” its never been silent, never been without music. Every powerful experience connecting me to the universe has had a soundtrack. Ive felt this connection while – running, dancing, spinning from my neck, during yoga. Writing this makes me wonder why I ever stop moving to music, EVER. Sometimes you hit a sound that moves you into alignment or maybe it just highlights that you are in alignment. Today while browsing Apple music to give me some elliptical sounds I found David Gray’s 2014 album Mutineers. How did I miss that in 2014? I guess it wasn’t time for me to hear it. Today was, I moved and my body and mind came into alignment, I flowed, I felt the invisible current of the universe envelop me and I was comforted. I’m on the right path. Thank you.
David Gray has been the soundtrack for other eras of transformation for me. 2005 when I lived in Santa Ana and I would go on long walks with my iPod shuffle (remember the first one that looked like a stick of gum?) and 2009 in the brief 2 weeks between getting dumped, surviving a motorcycle accident and moving to Singapore. David Gray’s music is full of soul. If I ever got to meet him I’d probably thank him for creating the sound track to my evolution.
Read these lyrics from part of his song “Back in the World Again” and see if you’re moved to hear the whole thing
“Every day when I open my eyes now
It feels like a Saturday
Taking down from the shelf
All the parts of myself
That I packed away
If it’s love put the joy in my heart
Is it God by another name
Who’s to say how it goes
All I know is
I’m back in the world again
Like the lift of a curse
Got a whole different person
Inside my head
No more trudging around
Stony eyed through the town
Like the living dead no
It’s love that lifts us from the dark
Is it God by another name
Who’s to say how it goes
All I know is
I’m back in the world again
Back in the world again
It’s the only way to be
It’s the only way to be
I’m naked like a tree
It’s the only way to be
I’m naked like a tree
It’s the only way to be”
And I agree, we all should be naked like a tree. Thank you David Gray for once again telling me what I need to hear, just when I need to hear it.
I often have very vivid and intense dreams. My dream life is nearly as dynamic as my awake life. I wish I’d had the forethought to keep a dream journal since childhood but alas, no forethought.
Las night my dream was very detailed, but it’s starting to fade away. I’d had an accident and went on a cruise with my best friend Melanie and her family and my husband. And it was understood that I had to perform on the cruise but everyone was worried that I couldn’t. No one had told me what would happen to me after the “accident” although I don’t know what the accident was. I looked the same I do now but I was younger, I know I was younger because I wasn’t thinking like 34 year old me, I was thinking like I did when I was 18- mid twenties. Things were difficult and I could barely move my legs. I got up from the table and fell flat on the ground. They then told me that after my accident I was supposed to be paralysed but they hadn’t told me because they thought it would break my spirit. I was only partially shattered, I didn’t believe that could happen. So I tried and woodenly I could feel a little bit, I could walk a little bit but holding on to things to hold me up. How was I going to perform? I slowly made my way to the aerial gym and I worked my way up to a lyra and hung on it, but the lyra turned into silks material (so it wasn’t solid) and the mats built up under me until i had no room to hang under it. There were tons of people around training on different apparatus (theres no way an amazing training room like this would fit on a cruise ship) and I was struggling to get my brain to work my legs but they were working.
I woke up frustrated and confused. But relieved that I could still use my legs and thankful for all my faculties. I am very lucky especially with how cavalier I’ve been with body throughout my life. And to top it off today is one beautiful day after a string of freeing cold days. It’s sunny and feels like spring (even though we are still at the beginning of winter). So to celebrate I’m going for a jog.
Well my run on Friday was like running through goo. I hate being sick so I usually just try to pretend like I’m not but I felt terrible. I meant to run 5 but stopped at 3 miles and walked the last 2 miles home and I took Saturday off completely. I hadn’t planned to but I woke up late, I ran some errands, I hung out with a friend and kept thinking I could hit 2 yoga classes at night but I’d read the schedule wrong. DRAT! but it was probably for the best because though I’m still a bit sick I’m feeling a lot better today. I woke up ready to go this morning, got an hour of cardio done on the elliptical, talked to Dan and got a heap of stuff done. SO I’ve amended my plan. I have to do at least an hour of cardio first thing in the morning. It doesn’t have to be 5 miles of running, it can be a run, elliptical, power walk, rollerblading (yes I have rollerblades), or biking. But spending an hour sweating first thing in the morning really does something good for my state of mind. Now I’m cuddling my pup until hot yoga tonight – I double checked the schedule.
I’m looking forward to the week ahead! I’ve got my last week of shows at Planet Hollywood, my new fitness regime, my first rehearsal for The Vagina Monologues, a few auditions and preparing to go back to school. So here’s hoping all the rest I’ve had this week means I’m going to be feeling 100%.
I’m sick. I’m full of mucous, I think I’m comprised of 85% mucous right now. I’ve got a fever, I’m having restless nights. But I’m not busy during the days and it’s driving me nuts to be able to rest. I’m tired and feel like shit but I also feel like shit because I have nothing I HAVE to do until work at night. So for the third day in a row I sat with my also sick puppy in my lap, curled up on the couch until afternoon and then I have to sweat. I feel chubby and out of shape and sick and awful. What do you do when you’re sick? most people my age have to work and take care of children.
Waaah waaah wahh right? I have to set a plan. Will I lose weight if I eat the same thing everyday so I don’t have the option to eat anything else? Will it help if I run 5 miles every morning except Sunday, do abs 3xs a week, do hot yoga 4xs a week and eat no more than 1200 calories a day? That actually sounds solid to me and I just free-wrote that. I thought about going to P90x but I don’t want to bulk up again. I want to get smaller, smaller, smaller. Which may sound terrible to other people. But I’m tired of getting turned down for jobs because I’m not fit enough or SMALL enough. I have big legs and yes I’m genetically predisposed. But I haven’t worked hard enough to change that. I don’t think skinny is best or that smaller is better. But I want to be smaller than I am now. And I know I can be I just haven’t worked hard enough.
And I am going back to school on Jan 16th but instead of flaming out because I have too much going on, I’m going to part time school so I can dance and sing for work, workout and take care of my family life too. That is my plan. Wow, that came out easier than I thought. But now to just do it.
What will I eat? I need it simple because I get overwhelmed really easily. What about this:
Monday – Saturday is always the same:
Breakfast and Lunch – Raw Meal shake with soy milk
Dinner – One of the following vegan option: vegetable sushi, salad with avocado, pumpkin soup or tofu stirfy
Other – coffee, tea, water, 1 banana per day
Sunday Cheat Day. I haven’t had a plan that included a cheat day in years but it really helped me with structure before and also not plateauing from too low a calories. A once a week calorie spike can be helpful.
I’m not going to lie – 5 miles every day but Sunday is really ambitious. but right now I’m lingering at beginner fitness level – a 3 miler somedays, a beach bodies dvd, one yoga class as my workout for the day. I’m letting myself be beginner instead of pushing myself to be better and it’s bleeding into the rest of my life. I can do anything I just have to want it enough. I’ve wanted it to be easy this year. I was hoping to find a way to be naturally athletic, just not have to work for it. I looked around and felt like most people don’t have to work for it as much as I have. But that’s not true, that’s lazy and childish. I wanted to be lazy so I was. But the consequences, I didn’t like very much. So now I’m doing something about it.
I just finished Ab Ripper x so I guess it’s time to run 5 miles….
I love windy days like today – i love the drama and the feeling of just slight danger. I’m not sure why.
I came down with something and yesterday, after a fitful sleep I tried to rest most the day with my fever, swollen glands, full sinus cavities. I hate feeling sick like this because it doesn’t seem sick enough to take a rest day but I feel like utter crap and completely devoid of energy. I did let myself rest yesterday, sticking to chores at home until the show at night. Last night I had a similarly crappy night that involved restlessness, exhaustion, cold sweat, having to pee, and taking the puppy out TWICE between 3 and 6am (this isn’t normal for her she usually sleeps through the night like a champ 8-10 hours. she’s sick right now too in solidarity with me). I was frustrated when I woke up because I feel like a chubby blob with nothing to do who’s wasting her life away. But I quickly turned that line of thinking around. After the morning routine with pup, i pumped out as many pull ups and chin ups as I could to get me going and then when on an easy 3 mile jog. I slathered myself with vicks before I went out. The combination of sweat and Vicks and the gorgeous windy day really turned it all around. I wound up feeling great and accomplished and less blobby. Im still walking around with a head full of goo and lymph nodes that look like softballs but I got myself moving and that made the rest of the day unfold better. I did laundry, ran errands, played with the pup and was hoping to get a second workout in but I think I won’t press my luck. I’m dancing tonight – not like hard hot and sweaty dancing but I’ll be moving a little so I’m giving myself a few easy days so as not to trigger strep. I’ve been here before. Many times and I’m trying to learn from the past. See below Gypsy and I lazing around…
I think I’ve mentioned it several times before but I love listening to the Rich Roll Podcast. The latest podcast featured David Goggins and if you haven’t heard of him look him up. Talk about inspiring!!! He talks about having a warrior mindset and thats my mantra for 2017. He was a Navy Seal and has done amazing things. He ran an ultra even after breaking his feet during the race. Hearing him say that your body can do a lot more than we think it can reminded me that, that has been my experience and I haven’t really pushed myself to elite levels. What would that look like? Check him out, seriously.
I’ve had a rocky few years and a few things came to a head yesterday that weren’t awful, but my ego took a hit. I’ve sulked and wondered for over a year now about what I’m supposed to do and where I’m supposed to focus my energy. It’s draining and I watched my self esteem just wash down the drain. I felt bad about myself all the time. I felt irritable at everything and emotional. I’ve pulled at this thread for a while but never came to any conclusion.
But in light of recent events and relationships I realised that I don’t need to know EXACTLY what I’m supposed to be throwing my energy into but I do need to know exactly which boundaries I’d like to draw and as soon as I did that I knew where to go. I glimpsed the path, briefly and it was there.
and it made me think back to the last time I felt like a bad ass. I remember exactly when that was and sadly it was 8 years ago. 8. I was doing something I was proud of that was HARD physically but it was good. and I worked hard, I took care of myself. I rode a motorcycle and I jumped through every door or window slightly cracked open. Now, it’s good to progress in the ways I have – I pay my bills more on time, I budget better, I have a husband, I’ve traveled. But that was the last time I put my priorities and who I wanted to be first. Then it started to chip away again. a little here for this boyfriend, a little bit for that family member, then when I moved to singapore my confidence plummeted. and I built myself back but I allowed little things. and I’m not saying you shouldn’t bend and flow and compromise for the relationships that are most important to you. You should. I should, I will and I did. and so has my husband as there have a few things I put my foot down upon. But I didn’t fight for myself much. I tried to chameleon fit into everything that presented itself. and today I realised what I wanted to fight for simply by starting with one boundary. and then another and then I knew what I was doing again. I AM a badass. I will be myself again and there are things I will fight for.
I sit here at 10:45pm on NYE typing with one hand while I play dog toy tug of war with the other hand. And I couldn’t be more content (unless Dan was here with me of course). I remember how lame I felt on NYE in 1999 when I was 17 and I was the chaperone at home while my little sister had a party and parents went out. I was “lame” from the get go. I’ve never loved parties, and I wonder if that’s partially because I didn’t go to many in my formative years. I thought this made me ugly and unwanted and less. but the truth is when I was in my own personal era of attending parties (and throwing a few), they were rarely enjoyable in the way I saw other people apparently enjoying them. I then thought this made me damaged and ugly and less. So I pushed myself a few times. Turns out I like to “party” in these situations – with Dan (most of my drunk, happy, party memories involve Dan. This includes and impromptu bar hop we did in Aukland 2 years into dating and exactly 3 months before we were married, that turned into a drunken bar hop with 2 am pizza and hotel antics), with my best friend Melanie, with a small group of people that includes either Dan or Melanie and at weddings. At weddings I seem to pull out all the stops. what can I say? I love Love – I love to dance the night away drunk on champagne toasting a happy couple until they drag me out the door. Other than that I rarely enjoy the party occasions. Thats why I love working on holidays. I have a purpose, I’m around other people, making them happy but without having to put myself in a vulnerable position. Sometimes I really envy partiers, people able to let loose on the regular. But I don’t think that envy did anything for anyone. So for the last few years I’ve just followed what makes me happy, which apparently is sweat, sweatpants and sleep.
Which brings us to tonight. I’m definitely ringing in the New Year, I’ve been looking forward to a fresh start for at least 6 months. But I elected to stay home in my yoga pants and leg warmers playing an epic game of fetch and watching a Netflix marathon instead of hanging with friends, partying on the strip, picking up a go go gig or going to Bruno Mars (though Bruno Mars was in the running until I figured I could choose between tickets or buying the next year of contact lenses I need). and my original plan was to run a 5k at 10pm and a 5k at 12am…but now that Ive heard a mini rumpus outside I think I’ll pass on that. Plus I think I’ll toast for 5 minutes, welcome the new year with a few rituals…and go to bed. I want to hit a hot yoga class in the morning.
So what am I doing? I’ve been burning incense all night but I bought a brand new package of incense and I’ll open burn that at midnight. I’ll hold my puppy to countdown while we watch the ball drop (on line). and I’m going to write my resolutions on her now.
- my word for the year is Natural – as in you make me feel like a __ woman. I want to grow out my hair, my natural hair colour. I want to transition my soaps to natural versions – Dr. Bonners for most thing and coconut oil to remove make up.
- Vegan. I have been mostly vegan for a long time. But for the past three years I have tried different things due to health complications but I always come back to vegan because ethically its the only thing that feels right to me. but sometimes I’m not fully committed. I’ll have a bite of marshmallow or cookie or cake or I won’t ask if the dressing on a salad has dairy because I don’t want to be a pain or I really like honey mustard and I’m not having that much… Not anymore. I’m vegan, I check the ingredients and ideally don’t eat many things with a list of ingredients.
- Yoga. as much as I can. I feel it changing me already.
- allow myself to be Successful in whatever I’m doing – cosmetology school, performing, yoga
Thats it. I want to be happy. Tonight I am 🙂 I’m here ready to roll. There should be more dancing around in my underwear and singing at the top of my lungs. Cheers y’all