I often have very vivid and intense dreams. My dream life is nearly as dynamic as my awake life. I wish I’d had the forethought to keep a dream journal since childhood but alas, no forethought.
Las night my dream was very detailed, but it’s starting to fade away. I’d had an accident and went on a cruise with my best friend Melanie and her family and my husband. And it was understood that I had to perform on the cruise but everyone was worried that I couldn’t. No one had told me what would happen to me after the “accident” although I don’t know what the accident was. I looked the same I do now but I was younger, I know I was younger because I wasn’t thinking like 34 year old me, I was thinking like I did when I was 18- mid twenties. Things were difficult and I could barely move my legs. I got up from the table and fell flat on the ground. They then told me that after my accident I was supposed to be paralysed but they hadn’t told me because they thought it would break my spirit. I was only partially shattered, I didn’t believe that could happen. So I tried and woodenly I could feel a little bit, I could walk a little bit but holding on to things to hold me up. How was I going to perform? I slowly made my way to the aerial gym and I worked my way up to a lyra and hung on it, but the lyra turned into silks material (so it wasn’t solid) and the mats built up under me until i had no room to hang under it. There were tons of people around training on different apparatus (theres no way an amazing training room like this would fit on a cruise ship) and I was struggling to get my brain to work my legs but they were working.
I woke up frustrated and confused. But relieved that I could still use my legs and thankful for all my faculties. I am very lucky especially with how cavalier I’ve been with body throughout my life. And to top it off today is one beautiful day after a string of freeing cold days. It’s sunny and feels like spring (even though we are still at the beginning of winter). So to celebrate I’m going for a jog.
Well my run on Friday was like running through goo. I hate being sick so I usually just try to pretend like I’m not but I felt terrible. I meant to run 5 but stopped at 3 miles and walked the last 2 miles home and I took Saturday off completely. I hadn’t planned to but I woke up late, I ran some errands, I hung out with a friend and kept thinking I could hit 2 yoga classes at night but I’d read the schedule wrong. DRAT! but it was probably for the best because though I’m still a bit sick I’m feeling a lot better today. I woke up ready to go this morning, got an hour of cardio done on the elliptical, talked to Dan and got a heap of stuff done. SO I’ve amended my plan. I have to do at least an hour of cardio first thing in the morning. It doesn’t have to be 5 miles of running, it can be a run, elliptical, power walk, rollerblading (yes I have rollerblades), or biking. But spending an hour sweating first thing in the morning really does something good for my state of mind. Now I’m cuddling my pup until hot yoga tonight – I double checked the schedule.
I’m looking forward to the week ahead! I’ve got my last week of shows at Planet Hollywood, my new fitness regime, my first rehearsal for The Vagina Monologues, a few auditions and preparing to go back to school. So here’s hoping all the rest I’ve had this week means I’m going to be feeling 100%.
I’m sick. I’m full of mucous, I think I’m comprised of 85% mucous right now. I’ve got a fever, I’m having restless nights. But I’m not busy during the days and it’s driving me nuts to be able to rest. I’m tired and feel like shit but I also feel like shit because I have nothing I HAVE to do until work at night. So for the third day in a row I sat with my also sick puppy in my lap, curled up on the couch until afternoon and then I have to sweat. I feel chubby and out of shape and sick and awful. What do you do when you’re sick? most people my age have to work and take care of children.
Waaah waaah wahh right? I have to set a plan. Will I lose weight if I eat the same thing everyday so I don’t have the option to eat anything else? Will it help if I run 5 miles every morning except Sunday, do abs 3xs a week, do hot yoga 4xs a week and eat no more than 1200 calories a day? That actually sounds solid to me and I just free-wrote that. I thought about going to P90x but I don’t want to bulk up again. I want to get smaller, smaller, smaller. Which may sound terrible to other people. But I’m tired of getting turned down for jobs because I’m not fit enough or SMALL enough. I have big legs and yes I’m genetically predisposed. But I haven’t worked hard enough to change that. I don’t think skinny is best or that smaller is better. But I want to be smaller than I am now. And I know I can be I just haven’t worked hard enough.
And I am going back to school on Jan 16th but instead of flaming out because I have too much going on, I’m going to part time school so I can dance and sing for work, workout and take care of my family life too. That is my plan. Wow, that came out easier than I thought. But now to just do it.
What will I eat? I need it simple because I get overwhelmed really easily. What about this:
Monday – Saturday is always the same:
Breakfast and Lunch – Raw Meal shake with soy milk
Dinner – One of the following vegan option: vegetable sushi, salad with avocado, pumpkin soup or tofu stirfy
Other – coffee, tea, water, 1 banana per day
Sunday Cheat Day. I haven’t had a plan that included a cheat day in years but it really helped me with structure before and also not plateauing from too low a calories. A once a week calorie spike can be helpful.
I’m not going to lie – 5 miles every day but Sunday is really ambitious. but right now I’m lingering at beginner fitness level – a 3 miler somedays, a beach bodies dvd, one yoga class as my workout for the day. I’m letting myself be beginner instead of pushing myself to be better and it’s bleeding into the rest of my life. I can do anything I just have to want it enough. I’ve wanted it to be easy this year. I was hoping to find a way to be naturally athletic, just not have to work for it. I looked around and felt like most people don’t have to work for it as much as I have. But that’s not true, that’s lazy and childish. I wanted to be lazy so I was. But the consequences, I didn’t like very much. So now I’m doing something about it.
I just finished Ab Ripper x so I guess it’s time to run 5 miles….
I love windy days like today – i love the drama and the feeling of just slight danger. I’m not sure why.
I came down with something and yesterday, after a fitful sleep I tried to rest most the day with my fever, swollen glands, full sinus cavities. I hate feeling sick like this because it doesn’t seem sick enough to take a rest day but I feel like utter crap and completely devoid of energy. I did let myself rest yesterday, sticking to chores at home until the show at night. Last night I had a similarly crappy night that involved restlessness, exhaustion, cold sweat, having to pee, and taking the puppy out TWICE between 3 and 6am (this isn’t normal for her she usually sleeps through the night like a champ 8-10 hours. she’s sick right now too in solidarity with me). I was frustrated when I woke up because I feel like a chubby blob with nothing to do who’s wasting her life away. But I quickly turned that line of thinking around. After the morning routine with pup, i pumped out as many pull ups and chin ups as I could to get me going and then when on an easy 3 mile jog. I slathered myself with vicks before I went out. The combination of sweat and Vicks and the gorgeous windy day really turned it all around. I wound up feeling great and accomplished and less blobby. Im still walking around with a head full of goo and lymph nodes that look like softballs but I got myself moving and that made the rest of the day unfold better. I did laundry, ran errands, played with the pup and was hoping to get a second workout in but I think I won’t press my luck. I’m dancing tonight – not like hard hot and sweaty dancing but I’ll be moving a little so I’m giving myself a few easy days so as not to trigger strep. I’ve been here before. Many times and I’m trying to learn from the past. See below Gypsy and I lazing around…
I think I’ve mentioned it several times before but I love listening to the Rich Roll Podcast. The latest podcast featured David Goggins and if you haven’t heard of him look him up. Talk about inspiring!!! He talks about having a warrior mindset and thats my mantra for 2017. He was a Navy Seal and has done amazing things. He ran an ultra even after breaking his feet during the race. Hearing him say that your body can do a lot more than we think it can reminded me that, that has been my experience and I haven’t really pushed myself to elite levels. What would that look like? Check him out, seriously.
I’ve had a rocky few years and a few things came to a head yesterday that weren’t awful, but my ego took a hit. I’ve sulked and wondered for over a year now about what I’m supposed to do and where I’m supposed to focus my energy. It’s draining and I watched my self esteem just wash down the drain. I felt bad about myself all the time. I felt irritable at everything and emotional. I’ve pulled at this thread for a while but never came to any conclusion.
But in light of recent events and relationships I realised that I don’t need to know EXACTLY what I’m supposed to be throwing my energy into but I do need to know exactly which boundaries I’d like to draw and as soon as I did that I knew where to go. I glimpsed the path, briefly and it was there.
and it made me think back to the last time I felt like a bad ass. I remember exactly when that was and sadly it was 8 years ago. 8. I was doing something I was proud of that was HARD physically but it was good. and I worked hard, I took care of myself. I rode a motorcycle and I jumped through every door or window slightly cracked open. Now, it’s good to progress in the ways I have – I pay my bills more on time, I budget better, I have a husband, I’ve traveled. But that was the last time I put my priorities and who I wanted to be first. Then it started to chip away again. a little here for this boyfriend, a little bit for that family member, then when I moved to singapore my confidence plummeted. and I built myself back but I allowed little things. and I’m not saying you shouldn’t bend and flow and compromise for the relationships that are most important to you. You should. I should, I will and I did. and so has my husband as there have a few things I put my foot down upon. But I didn’t fight for myself much. I tried to chameleon fit into everything that presented itself. and today I realised what I wanted to fight for simply by starting with one boundary. and then another and then I knew what I was doing again. I AM a badass. I will be myself again and there are things I will fight for.
I sit here at 10:45pm on NYE typing with one hand while I play dog toy tug of war with the other hand. And I couldn’t be more content (unless Dan was here with me of course). I remember how lame I felt on NYE in 1999 when I was 17 and I was the chaperone at home while my little sister had a party and parents went out. I was “lame” from the get go. I’ve never loved parties, and I wonder if that’s partially because I didn’t go to many in my formative years. I thought this made me ugly and unwanted and less. but the truth is when I was in my own personal era of attending parties (and throwing a few), they were rarely enjoyable in the way I saw other people apparently enjoying them. I then thought this made me damaged and ugly and less. So I pushed myself a few times. Turns out I like to “party” in these situations – with Dan (most of my drunk, happy, party memories involve Dan. This includes and impromptu bar hop we did in Aukland 2 years into dating and exactly 3 months before we were married, that turned into a drunken bar hop with 2 am pizza and hotel antics), with my best friend Melanie, with a small group of people that includes either Dan or Melanie and at weddings. At weddings I seem to pull out all the stops. what can I say? I love Love – I love to dance the night away drunk on champagne toasting a happy couple until they drag me out the door. Other than that I rarely enjoy the party occasions. Thats why I love working on holidays. I have a purpose, I’m around other people, making them happy but without having to put myself in a vulnerable position. Sometimes I really envy partiers, people able to let loose on the regular. But I don’t think that envy did anything for anyone. So for the last few years I’ve just followed what makes me happy, which apparently is sweat, sweatpants and sleep.
Which brings us to tonight. I’m definitely ringing in the New Year, I’ve been looking forward to a fresh start for at least 6 months. But I elected to stay home in my yoga pants and leg warmers playing an epic game of fetch and watching a Netflix marathon instead of hanging with friends, partying on the strip, picking up a go go gig or going to Bruno Mars (though Bruno Mars was in the running until I figured I could choose between tickets or buying the next year of contact lenses I need). and my original plan was to run a 5k at 10pm and a 5k at 12am…but now that Ive heard a mini rumpus outside I think I’ll pass on that. Plus I think I’ll toast for 5 minutes, welcome the new year with a few rituals…and go to bed. I want to hit a hot yoga class in the morning.
So what am I doing? I’ve been burning incense all night but I bought a brand new package of incense and I’ll open burn that at midnight. I’ll hold my puppy to countdown while we watch the ball drop (on line). and I’m going to write my resolutions on her now.
- my word for the year is Natural – as in you make me feel like a __ woman. I want to grow out my hair, my natural hair colour. I want to transition my soaps to natural versions – Dr. Bonners for most thing and coconut oil to remove make up.
- Vegan. I have been mostly vegan for a long time. But for the past three years I have tried different things due to health complications but I always come back to vegan because ethically its the only thing that feels right to me. but sometimes I’m not fully committed. I’ll have a bite of marshmallow or cookie or cake or I won’t ask if the dressing on a salad has dairy because I don’t want to be a pain or I really like honey mustard and I’m not having that much… Not anymore. I’m vegan, I check the ingredients and ideally don’t eat many things with a list of ingredients.
- Yoga. as much as I can. I feel it changing me already.
- allow myself to be Successful in whatever I’m doing – cosmetology school, performing, yoga
Thats it. I want to be happy. Tonight I am 🙂 I’m here ready to roll. There should be more dancing around in my underwear and singing at the top of my lungs. Cheers y’all
Well I had planned to wake up and start my day with hot pilates but I hit the snooze instead! Oh well, instead of calling it off I found another class later (in an hour and half) so no fitness skipped 🙂 I think my plan to find a fitness community worked instantly. My first day at the Hot studio felt like home. I took a hot pilates and then a candlelight yin class and chatted with the teacher after who invited me to take class at another studio with yoga and aerial where she though maybe I could teach! I wasn’t looking for that. I keep thinking my aerial life is over. But I felt like myself there. and since I’ve taken a hot vinyasa flow class as well which blew my mind. So that’s good. I need to keep going. Bonus that it’s a 5 minute drive from my house which means I can decide 30 minutes before that I can make a class and I don’t have to leave my puppy for very long.
So instead I started my day with coffee and a much awaited phone call from my love. Best morning. Now I’m off to yoga. As for the rest of NYE, I’m burning Nag Champa, cleaning the condo from head to toe, making homemade pumpkin soup and loving on my puppy. Im trying to convince a friend of mine to run back to back 5k’s to ring in the New Year – one at 10ishpm and one at 12am on the dot. I’m sure the sky will be filled with fireworks and I can’t think of a better start for me. And then maybe some champagne. I’m back baby, I’m back.
Midlife crisis still going on but I’m feeling good today 🙂 Trying to figure out what to do with my diet and fitness life. I realise I miss blogging and the community that comes with it. I haven’t had a community in a really long time and that’s no ones fault it just is what it is. but I started perusing the blogs I used to frequent and its like having coffee with old friends. To be honest 2015 and 2016 have been incredibly tough years for me but with many aspects I am thankful for. At the end of the day I have an incredible marriage and friend in my husband, I have a lasting and dynamic relationship with my best friend, I have had enough money to not only survive but live pretty comfortably. I can’t say I have my health as that has been a major struggle but I’m alive and functional finding my groove. So I am thankful. And I am hopeful. I have wrestled with depression and that really threw me. But I’m still here, I am thankful and I am hopeful. So that’s where I am going to start. I keep trying to make a “Grand Plan” to turn everything around and be skinny and therefore happy and not ashamed anymore – and it hasn’t been working for me. The latest one was two days ago ” Vegan Whole 30 started of with a 3 day juice fast” No. I threw up at the end of the day 1 and have included saltines and carrot juice since then. Ok, no whole 30, no juice fast. I’m going to start where I am at. Healthy, vegan, in appropriate portions. And tonight I’m trying something new – a hot pilates and yoga studio. I need need need a community and a commitment to something that I can see measurable results. So tonight I’m taking a hot pilates and a hot yin class.
I was very unhappy being alone while my husband was traveling for the last month. and I was afraid when he left this time that I was to dependant on him being around for happiness and self worth. But I’m not, I’ve begun my own rituals in life now (as of yesterday). I have me and the puppy and school and work and exercise and writing. So I need some touchstones. The last time I had a life crisis and dealt with depression it took me 8 months of establishing routines and touchstones (an hour at Starbucks with a book, Nag Champa burned at night before bed…) to claw my way out and always always I have to be highly physical. As much as I try to deny it I am an athlete and the hardest part of this year has been – not being one. Because I don’t know where to focus my energy and I’m ashamed at how soft and un-athletic my body has become. It feels foreign. When I moved to Singapore on the heels of a breakup (2 breakups and a rebound actually), a motorcycle accident and an identity crisis, I felt horrible for a long time. I didn’t understand my place in the world or in my own life. I cried daily (nightly), I floundered, my attention everywhere, I was so very lonely. and I bought a dog then too. And eventually I quit doing anything except showing up at work, taking a book to a coffee shop and reading everyday and then going to yoga everyday. I cried until I finally ran out of tears and made amends with myself for failing at everything. That year seemed like a waste at the time but I read 6 boxes of books, i rehabbed my shoulders without meaning too and eventually I became the me that met my husband. at just the right point where i could appreciate it. I was able to see myself through his eyes that didn’t know my past but only saw the current me – and even then it was a shiny, champagne version of the current me as anyone who has ever dated understands. but that experience changed my trajectory and things have just rolled out so beautifully. Not without difficulties of course, but its been a good several years. Because of this it’s been doubly frustrating – you mean I’m here again? I never get completely rid myself of these flaws? Ugh. but ok, diving in. And at least I know that if i did it once I can do it again right? Right.
Notice my favourite stretching buddy? she makes stretching an obstacle course. She lays down under me when I do down dog or she tries to kiss me on the mouth while I’m upside down. when I do a vinyasa she darts under me trying to get away before I can squash her. when i do runners stretches she tries to put her toy on my butt and then gets to chase it when it falls off. when I sit in my splits or pidegoen we play endless fetch, she brings her lion toy back to me and I immediately throw it. And then by the time I get to over splits she’s so exhausted she presses herself up against my legs and passes out on the mat. It’s the most adorable thing ever, one day I’ll have to film it.
I will surround myself with positivity, I will surround myself with positivity, I am surrounded by positivity, I am positive. I am happy. I will repeat this over and over and over until the cells of my body pick up on my positivity, until I glow with golden light from the inside out. Because I believe that the universe loves me, that the universe is good and pulling me in the direction of my dreams. I believe in good and love and I HAVE to be a warrior for this right now. So I repeat, there is good in the world, there is good in my world, I am good. There is beauty, I am beauty. I can feel good, I can feel love, I can feel peace and happiness.
Well, I’m still trucking. That 16 mile bomb made me wanna never run again but this past Sunday we knocked out a cool 10 miler. and I’m not going to lie to you, I didn’t want to for 7 of those 10. Finally by the last three miles I was like “ok, I think I can do this”.
But I was sick and bloated and in pain.
So I changed my diet. Back to keto but I have to stick with it now. I’m feeling better, my stomach has to heal and I need to feel healthy again. So no questions, just pressing forward. In the 4 days since I’ve lost weight, slept through the night and, though I was afraid no carbs would sap my energy for running it seems I have more energy for it. I’ve kept my runs short but we have another 16 miler on Sunday so we’ll see how it goes. Instead of Gatorade I’m brining NUUN which has only 4 grams of carbohydrates in it so I can still keep heading toward Keto. And you know what, me slow jogging for a few hours even if I’m low carb is not the end of the world, even if its hard, even if I don’t want to. There are MUCH harder things and so I need to stop being a wuss and just DO. Also I bought roller blades for cross training because I used to love rollerblading (in the 90’s when it was cool) and I’m not even ashamed because hey, I don’t really give a shit.
Over and out 🙂