Things are changing rapidly, or more like, they just feel like they are sliding into place. My life has felt extremely scattered, my focus all over the place. It’s been extremely frustrating. But all of a sudden all the lack of focus made sense. This is going to be a vague post and I apologise in advance. but I found a sense of peace today. I didn’t understand why everything felt wrong lately. My passion for performing, once my only driving force, felt off. Like I wanted to want it and I don’t know who am if I don’t have a burning drive to train and perform. But nothing I did felt right, it felt like being caged. I’d get excited in theory and then when I showed up it felt….off. With a few exceptions. There have been a few gigs and auditions that felt really good. and the rest just didn’t make sense.
So here I am and plans have changed once again. But in a beautiful way. Now I have a focus. Its interesting how sometimes you just have to wait and trust that the universe will open the doors and you’ll know which ones to go through.
I’m going back to finish cosmetology school, but I’m going full time. No splitting myself in a million different directions because I’m afraid to commit and lose out on other options. My focus will be school, taking care of my family (Dan and Gypsy) and personal fitness (yoga and cardio). That’s it. I trust the direction my life is going and I’m actually really excited! I’ve love the life I’ve had. I can finally see that I’ve done some amazing things and anything I do after is just adding to it, not taking away. I thought watching the deaths of my possible selves (full time aerialist, dancer and teacher, broadway bound triple threat) meant I failed but it doesn’t. I’ve done so many things in my lifetime and my career. I’ve had a successful and satisfying career in performing that has allowed me to do – aerial work, dance, voice, acting, film, stunts, choreography and sample many different cultures. I’ve been able to travel and work with my husband and some really great people. I have no regrets heading into this next phase of my life. But it is a next phase. Travel has dropped off, dancing ended yesterday, I haven’t done aerial work for 6 months. I’ve actually been singing more and I’m lucky to be a part of a production of the Vagina Monologues next month. I’m hard working, I’m loving and smart. Its time for the “next”. I’m not saying I’ll never perform again. It’s just not first priority anymore. and I’m at peace. Peace is a welcome feeling 🙂