Remembering Your Best Self

I’ve had a rocky few years and a few things came to a head yesterday that weren’t awful, but my ego took a hit. I’ve sulked and wondered for over a year now about what I’m supposed to do and where I’m supposed to focus my energy. It’s draining and I watched my self esteem just wash down the drain. I felt bad about myself all the time. I felt irritable at everything and emotional. I’ve pulled at this thread for a while but never came to any conclusion.

But in light of recent events and relationships I realised that I don’t need to know EXACTLY what I’m supposed to be throwing my energy into but I do need to know exactly which boundaries I’d like to draw and as soon as I did that I knew where to go. I glimpsed the path, briefly and it was there.

and it made me think back to the last time I felt like a bad ass. I remember exactly when that was and sadly it was 8 years ago. 8. I was doing something I was proud of that was HARD physically but it was good. and I worked hard, I took care of myself. I rode a motorcycle and I jumped through every door or window slightly cracked open. Now, it’s good to progress in the ways I have – I pay my bills more on time, I budget better, I have a husband, I’ve traveled. But that was the last time I put my priorities and who I wanted to be first. Then it started to chip away again. a little here for this boyfriend, a little bit for that family member, then when I moved to singapore my confidence plummeted. and I built myself back but I allowed little things. and I’m not saying you shouldn’t bend and flow and compromise for the relationships that are most important to you. You should. I should, I will and I did. and so has my husband as there have a few things I put my foot down upon. But I didn’t fight for myself much. I tried to chameleon fit into everything that presented itself. and today I realised what I wanted to fight for simply by starting with one boundary. and then another and then I knew what I was doing again. I AM a badass. I will be myself again and there are things I will fight for.

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About Coco

Dancer, performer, cosmetologist and now first time mum. I spent my life traveling the world as a performer. Now, the next chapter is unfolding...

Posted on January 2, 2017, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. YOU ARE TOTALLY A BAD ASS (even in the times you don’t think you are)

  2. I believe in you, you’re a light among lights. As a friend I support you in all your battles and if needed would pick up a sword and follow youband your husband if needed. Thank you writing your heart it resonates and makes me ponder many of the same ideas, paths, decisions and ideals. You are a bad ass and it should be celebrated at home while running at work and in your relationships. Thank you for being you Crista.

    • Thank you for witnessing my life. You’ve become one of my longest friends. I too would follow you into battle. It’s hard, isn’t it, to balance believing in yourself and giving to those you love? Thank you for being you and for always, always supporting me.

  3. Love you Bad Ass!!!

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