Remembering Your Best Self
I’ve had a rocky few years and a few things came to a head yesterday that weren’t awful, but my ego took a hit. I’ve sulked and wondered for over a year now about what I’m supposed to do and where I’m supposed to focus my energy. It’s draining and I watched my self esteem just wash down the drain. I felt bad about myself all the time. I felt irritable at everything and emotional. I’ve pulled at this thread for a while but never came to any conclusion.
But in light of recent events and relationships I realised that I don’t need to know EXACTLY what I’m supposed to be throwing my energy into but I do need to know exactly which boundaries I’d like to draw and as soon as I did that I knew where to go. I glimpsed the path, briefly and it was there.
and it made me think back to the last time I felt like a bad ass. I remember exactly when that was and sadly it was 8 years ago. 8. I was doing something I was proud of that was HARD physically but it was good. and I worked hard, I took care of myself. I rode a motorcycle and I jumped through every door or window slightly cracked open. Now, it’s good to progress in the ways I have – I pay my bills more on time, I budget better, I have a husband, I’ve traveled. But that was the last time I put my priorities and who I wanted to be first. Then it started to chip away again. a little here for this boyfriend, a little bit for that family member, then when I moved to singapore my confidence plummeted. and I built myself back but I allowed little things. and I’m not saying you shouldn’t bend and flow and compromise for the relationships that are most important to you. You should. I should, I will and I did. and so has my husband as there have a few things I put my foot down upon. But I didn’t fight for myself much. I tried to chameleon fit into everything that presented itself. and today I realised what I wanted to fight for simply by starting with one boundary. and then another and then I knew what I was doing again. I AM a badass. I will be myself again and there are things I will fight for.