Compassion

Guys, Ive stopped being keto…again. Over and over the last 2 years Ive cycled between keto with animal products, vegan and vegetarian low carb. Its awful, to keep changing. but my body has been through a lot. I feel sick a lot and have issues with digestion, inflammation and chronic throat and gum infections. keto, in the short term, clears up most of this. i also always lose a few pounds and stop bloating. but in a few weeks i feel ethically crappy, i always end up with gi issues and my weight loss stalls anyway. The truth is I’ve had issues with food since I was 9 and went on my first diet. And the only thing that truly resonates with me long term is a compassionate diet, without suffering or devastating environmental impact. so I’m recommitted to veganism.

But something has to change. I don’t know how to fix my health problems. I need to visit a naturopath. Ive seen a lot of other doctors who never did anything. Ive been diagnosed with IBS multiple times and hospitalized for an enlarged appendix that seems to right itself without surgery. they’ve found a cyst on my ovary that then seems to disappear. Ive been checked for parasites but nothing showed up. My obgyn referred me to a GI specialist but Ive been dragging my feet. Id like to seek homeopathic remedies first. I can’t imagine these problems aren’t rooted in a very emotional old issue i have with food and nourishment and guilt. I started developing an eating disorder when i was 9 and i got treated foe anorexia when i was 14-16. during that time i had been acting on a belief that i was gluttonous, unworthy of love and fundamentally flawed and broken. i took up too much space. i was also very deeply catholic and i thought i was a screw up in gods eyes. no matter how hard i worked or purposefully suffered i was still not good enough. i prayed for forgiveness for being ugly, fat, dumb and the big one- worthless. when i look back i don’t understand. at that time i was a straight A student, a gymnast and dancer, and a responsible sibling and even nanny. Yet i was consumed with my worthlessness and worked and prayed to be “forgiven”. These beliefs were the foundation for my ED and when i was at the height of the illness and very sick, something happened- people were concerned about me, they were kind in a way i hadn’t experienced. my parents noticed me and softened, boys and girls both told me i was beautiful (i was always quirky and a little homely), adults payed attention to me and sometimes complimented me. I found a safe haven when i was small and starving myself. This unfortunately set up a deep seeded belief that i was loved and beautiful WHEN I AM SMALL AND STARVING.

Now I am not small and starving. but every time i get stressed or frustrated i try to be. i don’t even realize im doing it most of the time. but my fix for EVERYTHING is weight loss. I am always looking for ways to eat LESS. to be less and these things have backfired over the decades.

Is it any wonder I have GI problems? I have made food and nourishment my enemy. I have felt so guilty for feeding myself, like I didn’t deserve nutrients, or pleasure. And though I’ve touched on this several times I clearly haven’t healed.

I’ve always said that I don’t love eating. “I’m not a foodie” I’d exclaim as others meticulously planned holiday meals or outings. Restaurants just proved a place where I could make a game out of figuring out how to eat “virtuously” Food is not a motivator to me its a stress. I tend to stick to a cycle of the same foods if they’ve proven in the past to not make me gain weight. But two years ago it all got blown apart because because “safe foods” started making me sick (fiber and all things that contain fiber). It was after a very happy stint at being high carb low fat high raw vegan. Which is a lot of fruit with rice and raw vegetables mostly. I felt soooo good for a while. I ate 4-6 oranges for lunch regularly. I lost weight (but still in a healthy range) without counting calories, I felt closer to nature, I felt clean. I felt…hungry a LOT. but I remember being so happy. I had my wedding that year and had a vegan cake made for the occasion. I enjoyed dining out and galavanting with friends and family during that time. I LOVED the food I was eating for the first time in a long time. It was a lot of natural sugar. I had fresh juices, watermelon, crisp salads (with no dressing) and lots of avocado rolls. I also had plain bread and potatoes sometimes. I ate a heap of dried fruit. Because I was hungry all the time. But I started to feel light and happy and flexible. But I got derailed again. I started to crave fats (sunbutter, hummus, fries) and candy (skittles, lollies) and drink a lot more coffee with soy creamer. and I started to gain weight back, probably because I started eating more fat other than avocado and also eating lots and lots of dates. I was just so hungry. So I made a drastic change and went keto. and here is where the wheels started to come off. keto had me drop weight instantly. I was getting compliments, I was fitting in clothes I’d never been able to fit into, my stomach was always flat and toned and I ate twice the calories I’d eaten before. Great right? I had very little energy, I was grumpy a lot. I felt like my lifestyle didn’t match my beliefs. But I looked the part of my career and it was very easy to maintain – burger patties and salad, scrambled eggs and bacon, cheese cubes and 90% dark chocolate made up 90% of my diet. my skin was clear, my digestion was perfect. But I got sick a LOT, strep throat, chronic gum infections, i ended up with such bad GI (or food poisoning) and I got really injured (tore my shoulder). I was depressed and unhappy about everything except how I looked in my clothes – although my lower body was still too big and my weight loss stopped completely. Eventually I ended up in the ER with an ulcer. I stopped working on cruise ships and moved to Portland with my best friend and began a cycle of recommitting to Keto for a few weeks and then going completely into high carb vegan when I started to feel awful and then when I my pants started to get tight I went back to keto….on and on. I moved to Vegas and was lonely, depressed, and doubting myself. I got pregnant and swore I’d have a vegan pregnancy. Then I had beef cravings in my first trimester so I ate beef, afraid of depriving the baby. Then I’d read about all the crap in meat and dairy and watch something about how the animals are treated and I’d swear the the baby would be healthier vegan. Can you tell how exhausted I am?

So somethings gotta give. I want to ask my food to heal me. I want to enjoy eating and enjoy my body and my life. I am happier than I’ve ever been. I love my life right now even if I don’t love my hips. I’m vegan, its the only thing that makes sense in my heart. So no more keto, no more raw vegan. I am going to eat as healthy as possible, drink a lot of water and commit to cooking. I made a stir fry a few days ago and realized that I only didn’t like cooking because I didn’t like food, and I didn’t like food because I didn’t like getting or being “fat” which I correlate to food or eating too much or the wrong thing. Maybe I’ve had it backward and instead of tweaking the food to get the body I want, I need to tweak my brain and my heart to get the life I want and the body will follow. So I made a homemade pumpkin soup yesterday and I could feel the healing begin. I looked up recipes to make nourishing meals for my family. Feeding the ones you love things that build them up is a beautiful and pleasurable thing to do. I want to enjoy making things for my daughter and my husband to eat. I want her to grow up having her favorite foods that she wants Momma to make. and I want to make her things that don’t leach calcium from her bones or pour toxins into her body. I believe this will heal me, if I focus on nutrients and love and comfort and energy. I’m making a habit of making meals and then the next step will be to grow my own herbs once I find out our favorites and then from there who knows…a garden? Instead of taking away food as I usually do to fix the problem, I’m making food.

I don’t want to be insane anymore, trying the same thing over and over hoping for a different result. Of course I’m still very active and more than ever I need my nutrition to support my activity (Mom life, aerial training, full days at the salon, yoga, sleep deprivation), so eating is an important part of my life.

I’m going to blog again, but I want to focus on recipes so I can get excited about this and keep it going. Like everything else in my life I’ll just jump in and see where it leads…

This is truly all that matters to me now… 

Puff puff puff…

Week 2 down! I’ve successfully done some semblance of yoga every day but one. I’ve done aerial training three times last week. I’m learning to accept that my commitments can’t shake out the same as when I was a childless traveling performer. Also, being over 30, I’m sore from aerial training, soooo sore which leads to more stretching.  Actually, perhaps I was just as sore in my 20’s but I can’t remember ha ha! I’m also squeezing in a short strength circuit once or twice a week.  Whenever I have time to actually GO to the gym I use the weight machines and go for broke.  It usually lasts 30 minutes with ab work included.

I love my new normal in so many ways! I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Time with Isla and Daniel and Gypsy is simply priceles- a part of life I didn’t think I’d get to experience. So I can’t judge my fitness or work progress in the same way as I did before.  This is quite an adjustment for me, but life is full of change right?

Week 1 Down!!!!

Yes! Sooooo I didn’t blog everyday but I DID go vegan and workout everyday! But I also didn’t run everyday or even do cardio daily. I had this grand plan but with a baby….well
So I’m still quite happy with my 40 days plan but it’s looked like this. Yoga everyday. Sometimes thats 45 minutes of Ashtanga or 60 minutes of a Vinyasa flow. But sometimes it’s been 10 sun salutations with a warrior 2/3 series and headstands. Thats my go to when I have to do yoga but don’t have time to go to a private room and DO yoga or a class. But I’m feeling the benefits already. Things are starting to loosen up, to flow to change and thats only one week. In the past I’ve always been very short sighted, if things weren’t 100% better or what I wanted in a WEEK then it wasn’t worth doing and I needed to find something that “worked”. but I’m older, wiser, been around the proverbial block and I find myself thinking, imagine yourself a year from now, how far you can go if you just persist, continue, flow. Just keep going and you will not be sorry, just keep going and you won’t have to wonder what would have happened if you had just been patient and consistent. I’ve jumped back into aerial training and its been humbling and wonderful and frustrating. I have to remind myself of what I learned (am learning) above. I used to be an AERIALIST. but about 2 years off and no training and no real base to begin with (I was trained for shows I did, not TRAINED) means I’m coming back with an unfamiliar postpartum body that lost all strength and most of her vocabulary. But if I can start from this point and just not think about that but enjoy learning and moving and feeling sore, where could I be in a year with consistency? I’ll tell you where, not where I am now. This is bigger than aerial training or yoga, clearly its something I need as a life lesson. But I always have to start with physical learning and it translates into something bigger for me.

Yay! December 1st and I’m feeling great!

Also, baby wearing is the shit, I LOVE it. I

Lets Do This

Day One of my 40 days was a complete success! Although trying to jog with the baby stroller and the dog was a no go.  It was one mile that seemed to go on forever.  So after an exhausting mile of jog/stop/trip/poop/pull I dropped the dog back at the house.  and I jogged a full mile with the stroller.  I didn’t realise how much harder it was to jog with a stroller than without.  Maybe I should actually get a jogging stroller…. Any ways, after a slow 1 mile with the stroller, I power walked another 3 miles which was really nice.  My legs are sore from my humbling 10k yesterday.  I really underestimated how much my fitness would change postpartum.  But Thanksgiving is a day for pie so I had a big helping of the humble kind.

As for yoga, I did 10 sun salutations while baby had some tummy time! I’d like to do more yoga but I’ll take it. It was fun to count out my breaths and movements in front of baby girl and watch her eyes tracking my down dog to chaturunga.  I’ll finish my day out with some pidgeon and splits before I go to bed.  My hips are tight as well.

And vegan feels like coming home.  But to try to avoid my current issue with fiber (pain and other issues) I ate lightly today.  I stuck to cold press juice and banana during the day and a light dinner of roasted potato, zucchini, brussel sprouts and onion with a piece of bread on the side…and some moscato. So far no stomach troubles, bloating or pain so hopefully we’re good to go.  but I’m being cautious.  I started taking probiotics, I have digestive enzymes I need to remember to take before I eat, and I’m continuing my prenatal vitamins – mostly because I have heaps and there’s plenty of b vitamins in them.   I think perhaps I can avoid the issues I’ve continuously had with a vegan diet by being on top of my vitamins and supplements.

okay! Tired so – over and out!

Holiday Challenge

Well,  its not practical that I write something deep and meaningful most days now that I have a little minion. I had every intention of getting back into fitness blogging but I have about 10 partially written posts in my drafts. So I need to regroup and I realized that I can write every day but only if it’s short.

So I outlined some holiday goals to tick off and I’m going to keep them posted here which mans daily quick n dirty blogging my friends! Starting on Thanksgiving (and ending New Years Day) I am:

1. Running at least a mile everyday – I signed up for the 40 day Strava holiday challenge  and challenge it will be as I haven’t run more than twice a week since baby was born  but if I only have to do a mile every time I run than that’s 10 minutes of my day.

2. Yoga everyday. I’ve dabbled in yoga for years but I want to know how my body and mind will benefit from a commitment to daily yoga.

3. Write about it here to keep accountable  even if it’s only a line.

 

thats it! Join me if you like! I’m starting it all off with the 10 Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving!

 

ill be doing other things too, I started aerial training again whenever I can which is only like once a week maximum  and sometimes I do weights at the gym. I put my pull up bar in the nursery doorway and  have a new stationary bike in my living room that I can’t wait to break in. But those are all bonuses for now.

Let the Holiday fun commence!

 

 

 

I’m BACK!

I’m 6 weeks postpartum and I’m ready to dive back in! I was cleared at 4 weeks to return to normal exercise.  In true form I had already started wading back in.  A few days postpartum I started doing crunches and stretching and then I added quick resistance circuit here and there.  By week 2 I tried a lazy jog and went to a dance audition.  of course no semblance of order to this and many days where I did nothing but feed the baby and pray for a shower…

Now I need structure again and accountability and, dare I say it, adventure! I’m bored with my lazy jogs and my measly few sets of push ups.  But I’m also ruled by a baby’s needs and time table.  We are breastfeeding, its been a rocky road and it hasn’t smoothed out yet. So my need to be athletic has to fit around the babes needs. Priorities.

I have this vision though, and its not “getting back to pre-pregnancy body” its something new, its moving forward.  I want to be an example of what women can do for my daughter and i want to be a bad ass warrior protector for her. I wanna know i can run fast away from danger or put up a fight or pick up a car.  I want to feel healthy, fit and able.  There was a time in my life, most of my life actually, where i knew with a little time i could pick up any athletic endeavour,  And i did! anything i wanted to do that seemed impossible i just did! I became an aerialist for a show in a month with no previous training, I started rock climbing, I ran a half marathon when previously i couldn’t run a mile,  I went back to being a professional dancer after a 5 year hiatus. But there cam a time when i stopped believing that I could and injuries piled up and doubt crept in and I got soft and a little sad.  2015 began a series of events that just wore away at my physical body and my belief in my capabilities (stories for another day). but the truth is I am capable and I can work hard and design the life and body I want.  So here we go!

I’m pretty soft at the moment. 6 weeks postpartum.  I can so far jog 3 miles, do pushups but mostly on my knees and I can do 1 pull up. Thats as good a starting place as any.

So, I know its a Wednesday but its still a beautiful day to start! here are my starting pictures… I want to be able to see my body changing.

Behold the new mum mullet!

6 Weeks Postpartum

New Phone, Who Dis?

I started writing again while I was pregnant but I found I couldn’t write about fitness with the same passion at the time. so i started a new blog

The Unlikely Mommy

Third Trimester

YES!!!! We made it to the third trimester! Sorry it’s been a long time between posts.  I have been BUSY! This life pace has really made the time fly.

I’m nearing the end of my education at Paul Mitchell and when I hit 1250 total school hours I was allowed to start adding extra hours bringing my total to 45 hours of school per week.  Its been a hustle that includes some 12 hour days, school on the weekends, squeezing in my workouts and times I spent with Daniel and the puppy completely exhausted.  Despite being busy and tired I’m very happy and grateful! My goal had been to finish school before I hit 36 weeks in the pregnancy, just for my own peace of mind.  At the rate I’m going I will graduate the day before we turn 35 weeks!

My days now consist of about 4-7 hours of doing hair in one way or another (my clients are mostly blonde clients!)- foiling, cutting, colouring and styling, cosmetology theory work, cleaning my tools and then landing at home tired and trying to find the energy to get a workout in.  Workouts have been more scarce but I manage 3-4 days a week.  I’ve tried to push that to 5-6, but no go.  There are 3 days a week where I leave for school at 8am and get home at 8pm and those days I have not managed to workout at all.  Being pregnant and on my feet for most of the day seems to take it out of me.  The other hurdle is sleep. I am so ready for bed by the end of the day but I find it difficult to nod off.  I toss and turn, I wake up 5-8 times, mostly to pee but often I can’t fall back asleep.  Regardless, I’m happy and I seem to have enough energy to function.

I’d be lying if I said being pregnant and seeing the changes in my body and my abilities has been easy.  Sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror or I feel my legs rub together (did I mention it’s been between 100 and 120 degrees here?) and I instantly think some horrible degrading thoughts about myself like “ugh you’ve gone TOO far and let yourself go you gluttonous pig, get your shit together” or “you’re so disgusting, have some control you ugly piece of shit”. So pregnancy has brought to light some of the harmful thought and belief patterns I have that I need to change, NOW.  It’s not been comfortable, but I think in the long run this is exactly the work I’ve needed to do.  Is that really what I believe? That I’m a “piece of shit” because I gained weight or I’m not following a strict diet? And horrifyingly, do I think less of others too? Is my value system so skewed and so black and white? No, its not. But I’ve been actively changing those thoughts and self-talk.  I certainly don’t want to pass that on to my child and at the end of the day, I’m somebody’s child too.  If I heard someone else say that about themselves it’d bring tears to my eyes and I’d want to hug them. So, since I’ve been super busy with school and spending what little time I have with my husband and my dog and preparing for our baby, I’ve been actively kinder and gentler with myself.  If I really don’t have the energy to workout after a 12 hour day, its ok, I relax and think about how every season is temporary.  I will not be pregnant forever and I will not be in school forever. I want to enjoy as many moments in this pregnancy as possible and I focus on that.  I may not love that my butt is too big for most of my clothes but I LOVE feeling the baby move from the inside! It’s incredible. and I love daydreaming with Daniel about our future and what the baby’s personality will be and what we will all do together.  I love talking to the women at school who are mothers and listening to their different experiences. So really, there is a lot I love about being pregnant and I focus on that as much as possible.

 

 

Fit Fetus!

I did it! I ran the 5k today no problem. I had been worried about running while pregnant and have kind of avoided it. I jogged twice in the beginning of my first trimester, hoping to keep up right from the beginning as everyone told me that if you keep up running while you’re pregnant you can run safely, but if you stop its dangerous. However I was exhausted and frightened so after those two jogs I kept to power walking, elliptical and…napping. I’m now in the second trimester but bump is not very big and despite not actually running I’ve kept relatively active – easy cardio, easy strength training and basic conditioning. I’m not winning any awards but I’m keeping a very base level of fitness up. So the other night I tried to jog and it started off really well but omg I had to pee ever 3 minutes and it was so annoying I just power walked with some very short jogging intervals and 2 bathroom stops. ANNOYED.

Today I’d been looking forward to our schools team for the Wage for Hope run – 5k walk or run. I often forget how much I love running. Showing up today I really really wanted to run, but not at the expense of my little miracle baby and nothing is worth putting us in any kind of danger. So i promised myself I could jog easily but had to just stop, walk, leave at any time. Taking that pressure off did the trick. Music on, smile on my face, the energy of people with a common goal (raise money, awareness and remission for Pancreatic Cancer survivors) – all the things I love about being part of the running community- let me start out with an easy jog and finish straight through. At first I had to pee but I told myself this was good kegel training anyway which EVERY pregnancy website encourages anyway. Halfway through i didn’t really feel the urge anymore, mercifully! Three quarters through I felt a little winded so i eased the pace a little but then felt reenergised and pushed A VERY LITTLE BIT. Finished no sweat! Feel fine now. I made sure to hydrate immediately, use the bathroom and about a half an hour later I was ravenous and had packed Clif Bars 🙂

So in summary, I guess I can run while pregnant now! I’ll talk to my doc next week when I see her to get all the precautions and a definite green light. I’m not planning on distance training but if I could 3-4 5ks a week I’d be a very happy girl. I’m planning that next marathon training to start in January after appropriate baby recovery has been had and I’d be overjoyed if some very base mileage could be kept at least for the rest of the second trimester. But again, keeping expectations fluid. Its good right now and I’ll keep assessing as we progress. Me and Fetus are a team and I’m struck with how profound that actually is. This is one very special time in my life where I am symbiotically functioning with another being, soul and body. Our bodies are connected in a way I could never really understand and don’t know that I do fully even now – our blood is the same blood. But I’m amazed and impressed and so very grateful.

Here’s what I’m going to be doing to make runs more likely:
1. Keep mileage short, 5k’s
2. Pee before, run in a place where a bathroom is accessible
3. focus on a light step, minimise bounce!
4. sign up for short races to keep the motivation and have fun
5. read blogs by women who run/ran pregnant like this one!
6. get a belly band as my belly expands

The Long Story

Alright, I’ve actually been dying to write but its been difficult since we’ve been keeping a secret. And I haven’t stopped working out at but no matter how much I work out I’m just going to be getting bigger because….I’m pregnant!

Everything I’ve wanted to write about has been directly or indirectly affected by my surprise pregnancy so I just had to wait. But now, I am 12+ weeks pregnant, we’ve told the family and friends, heard the heart beat and seen the little jelly bean swimming and kicking, so I can be super fantastically excited and open about it!

I have NEVER been pregnant before. I’m 34 years old and never so much had a pregnancy scare. Ok, not completely true, there was a time I thought I could possibly be pregnant but it turned out I had just lost my period again, this time it would last 7 years (the first time I lost my period it was a 10 year drought). I took so many mandatory pregnancy tests during those 7 years that I just started to roll my eyes and yawn before every very much expected negative result.

I had just in the past 2 years gotten my period back, though not reliably. A skipped month or two never gave me pause but an appreciation for the money saved on tampons.

I don’t know what made me take the pregnancy test when I did actually. Hubs and I had decided nearly a year ago to not stand in the way of getting pregnant. We called this “trying” but we weren’t actually trying. I wasn’t tracking my ovulation or even my periods (don’t tell my doctor), we weren’t setting up times to “try” or really anything other than just having unprotected sex when we felt like it. What we were actually doing to “try” was for me to go to school so I could have a career conducive to the family life we would want and Dan working towards having a career here in town. But I guess on some deep level I didn’t believe I’d actually ever be able to conceive so I was really trying to construct a journey of happiness that included career achievements that were meaningful to me, the ability to travel and live where we wanted to and be performers AND homeowners.

Enter the new year (or just before) and I had been very unhappy with my body, my injuries, the trajectory of my career path, the time spent away from Dan and I was searching for structure and mostly….joy. It seems sometime during 2015 joy started draining out of me, at first slowly and then at a sickening speed and I couldn’t stop up the hole because I didn’t know where it was. I was sick and in pain near constantly. I found myself putting myself down all the time and feeling guilty that I wasn’t successful or valuable in any way I could see. Nothing made me happy. I still felt accomplishment when I performed a good show, a good run on the trapeze or spanish web. But I felt no desire to start each show, no desire to train, no joy in the audience. 2016 didn’t seem much of a change though big changes were made. I became increasingly upset with my body and tried many different paths to FORCE change upon it. But I could never settle, different diets, exercise routines. I found some release in taking dance classes and going to acting auditions in Portland but no joy in aerial work. Why? Aerial used to be my one feather in my cap. We moved and I hated Vegas, I hated myself and my seemingly continued decline. I felt like a failure in every way – my career, my body, my mental state. I tried so hard to try so hard.

Slowly things started to change. Not my body, I’m still fighting with it a bit though we’ve reached a bit of a peace treaty since its the home of another being right now. I’m letting go a bit of what wasn’t bringing me joy anymore. But redefining myself as a non performer is not really working. I just fight constantly with myself over that so I just started to not think it through. Take it a day at a time. Right before this new year, after a glorious Christmas that included a very fulfilling audition, a visit from good friends and also a bit of revelation about just how much Id been wallowing in misery, I made some decisions and changes. I joined 2 hot yoga studios and started taking classes, sometimes twice a day. I told myself I could go on a dance hiatus until I felt good about my body again (the relief poured through me). I refocused on school and finding freelance and hair and makeup opportunities. And during about 2 weeks of feeling good, feeling my body change with the hot yoga, I also got what I thought was the flu. oh well, i was still moving along. Focused, happier, and decided to drink a few glasses of wine one night after a very successful hot yoga class followed by a fruitful Yin class.

For some reason when I woke up the next morning, feeling refreshed and just slightly hungover I thought to myself – “maybe I should take a pregnancy test today before hot yoga. Just so I don’t worry about having wine at night” I to pick up Dan at the airport after my class and I had an evening of sushi and wine and tipsiness planned for us.

That was it, that was the only thought. Dan had been gone for 2 weeks but over Christmas we’d of course celebrated and enjoyed each others company. I’d been off birth control for 2 years and we’d ditched any other form of contraception a year ago.

So I peed on the stick and timed it while I got ready for class. When it showed a positive reading, I couldn’t help but feel JOY shoot through my completely unprepared body. Joy. That thing I’d been searching for for nearly 2 years. Why? this wasn’t the right time, I was in the middle of school, my body wasn’t the beautiful temple it had been in years prior, Dan was traveling all the time and I had just found my world realigning with hot yoga, cosmetology and auditioning as a vocalist. But it was undeniable joy and I’m not one to argue when happiness shows up at the door.

So here we are, both of us feeling like we won the lottery. I think we both thought (though we never spoke it before now) that we’d never get this experience of a child, a family life. We’ve spend our lives up until now traveling, leaving behind, moving moving moving, auditions and ambitions. and we’ve been so lucky and grateful, it seemed we had to sacrifice this part of life. But there is actually a baby inside my body. I heard the heartbeat! I saw it move! I pee every 35 minutes!

All those other things don’t go away. Dan and I will always be performers, travellers, ambitious and unordinary. But our priorities have shifted and our trajectory has changed and we are so grateful.

I promise I’ll talk about fitness next post!