The Long Story

Alright, I’ve actually been dying to write but its been difficult since we’ve been keeping a secret. And I haven’t stopped working out at but no matter how much I work out I’m just going to be getting bigger because….I’m pregnant!

Everything I’ve wanted to write about has been directly or indirectly affected by my surprise pregnancy so I just had to wait. But now, I am 12+ weeks pregnant, we’ve told the family and friends, heard the heart beat and seen the little jelly bean swimming and kicking, so I can be super fantastically excited and open about it!

I have NEVER been pregnant before. I’m 34 years old and never so much had a pregnancy scare. Ok, not completely true, there was a time I thought I could possibly be pregnant but it turned out I had just lost my period again, this time it would last 7 years (the first time I lost my period it was a 10 year drought). I took so many mandatory pregnancy tests during those 7 years that I just started to roll my eyes and yawn before every very much expected negative result.

I had just in the past 2 years gotten my period back, though not reliably. A skipped month or two never gave me pause but an appreciation for the money saved on tampons.

I don’t know what made me take the pregnancy test when I did actually. Hubs and I had decided nearly a year ago to not stand in the way of getting pregnant. We called this “trying” but we weren’t actually trying. I wasn’t tracking my ovulation or even my periods (don’t tell my doctor), we weren’t setting up times to “try” or really anything other than just having unprotected sex when we felt like it. What we were actually doing to “try” was for me to go to school so I could have a career conducive to the family life we would want and Dan working towards having a career here in town. But I guess on some deep level I didn’t believe I’d actually ever be able to conceive so I was really trying to construct a journey of happiness that included career achievements that were meaningful to me, the ability to travel and live where we wanted to and be performers AND homeowners.

Enter the new year (or just before) and I had been very unhappy with my body, my injuries, the trajectory of my career path, the time spent away from Dan and I was searching for structure and mostly….joy. It seems sometime during 2015 joy started draining out of me, at first slowly and then at a sickening speed and I couldn’t stop up the hole because I didn’t know where it was. I was sick and in pain near constantly. I found myself putting myself down all the time and feeling guilty that I wasn’t successful or valuable in any way I could see. Nothing made me happy. I still felt accomplishment when I performed a good show, a good run on the trapeze or spanish web. But I felt no desire to start each show, no desire to train, no joy in the audience. 2016 didn’t seem much of a change though big changes were made. I became increasingly upset with my body and tried many different paths to FORCE change upon it. But I could never settle, different diets, exercise routines. I found some release in taking dance classes and going to acting auditions in Portland but no joy in aerial work. Why? Aerial used to be my one feather in my cap. We moved and I hated Vegas, I hated myself and my seemingly continued decline. I felt like a failure in every way – my career, my body, my mental state. I tried so hard to try so hard.

Slowly things started to change. Not my body, I’m still fighting with it a bit though we’ve reached a bit of a peace treaty since its the home of another being right now. I’m letting go a bit of what wasn’t bringing me joy anymore. But redefining myself as a non performer is not really working. I just fight constantly with myself over that so I just started to not think it through. Take it a day at a time. Right before this new year, after a glorious Christmas that included a very fulfilling audition, a visit from good friends and also a bit of revelation about just how much Id been wallowing in misery, I made some decisions and changes. I joined 2 hot yoga studios and started taking classes, sometimes twice a day. I told myself I could go on a dance hiatus until I felt good about my body again (the relief poured through me). I refocused on school and finding freelance and hair and makeup opportunities. And during about 2 weeks of feeling good, feeling my body change with the hot yoga, I also got what I thought was the flu. oh well, i was still moving along. Focused, happier, and decided to drink a few glasses of wine one night after a very successful hot yoga class followed by a fruitful Yin class.

For some reason when I woke up the next morning, feeling refreshed and just slightly hungover I thought to myself – “maybe I should take a pregnancy test today before hot yoga. Just so I don’t worry about having wine at night” I to pick up Dan at the airport after my class and I had an evening of sushi and wine and tipsiness planned for us.

That was it, that was the only thought. Dan had been gone for 2 weeks but over Christmas we’d of course celebrated and enjoyed each others company. I’d been off birth control for 2 years and we’d ditched any other form of contraception a year ago.

So I peed on the stick and timed it while I got ready for class. When it showed a positive reading, I couldn’t help but feel JOY shoot through my completely unprepared body. Joy. That thing I’d been searching for for nearly 2 years. Why? this wasn’t the right time, I was in the middle of school, my body wasn’t the beautiful temple it had been in years prior, Dan was traveling all the time and I had just found my world realigning with hot yoga, cosmetology and auditioning as a vocalist. But it was undeniable joy and I’m not one to argue when happiness shows up at the door.

So here we are, both of us feeling like we won the lottery. I think we both thought (though we never spoke it before now) that we’d never get this experience of a child, a family life. We’ve spend our lives up until now traveling, leaving behind, moving moving moving, auditions and ambitions. and we’ve been so lucky and grateful, it seemed we had to sacrifice this part of life. But there is actually a baby inside my body. I heard the heartbeat! I saw it move! I pee every 35 minutes!

All those other things don’t go away. Dan and I will always be performers, travellers, ambitious and unordinary. But our priorities have shifted and our trajectory has changed and we are so grateful.

I promise I’ll talk about fitness next post!