Midlife crisis still going on but I’m feeling good today 🙂 Trying to figure out what to do with my diet and fitness life. I realise I miss blogging and the community that comes with it. I haven’t had a community in a really long time and that’s no ones fault it just is what it is. but I started perusing the blogs I used to frequent and its like having coffee with old friends. To be honest 2015 and 2016 have been incredibly tough years for me but with many aspects I am thankful for. At the end of the day I have an incredible marriage and friend in my husband, I have a lasting and dynamic relationship with my best friend, I have had enough money to not only survive but live pretty comfortably. I can’t say I have my health as that has been a major struggle but I’m alive and functional finding my groove. So I am thankful. And I am hopeful. I have wrestled with depression and that really threw me. But I’m still here, I am thankful and I am hopeful. So that’s where I am going to start. I keep trying to make a “Grand Plan” to turn everything around and be skinny and therefore happy and not ashamed anymore – and it hasn’t been working for me. The latest one was two days ago ” Vegan Whole 30 started of with a 3 day juice fast” No. I threw up at the end of the day 1 and have included saltines and carrot juice since then. Ok, no whole 30, no juice fast. I’m going to start where I am at. Healthy, vegan, in appropriate portions. And tonight I’m trying something new – a hot pilates and yoga studio. I need need need a community and a commitment to something that I can see measurable results. So tonight I’m taking a hot pilates and a hot yin class.
I was very unhappy being alone while my husband was traveling for the last month. and I was afraid when he left this time that I was to dependant on him being around for happiness and self worth. But I’m not, I’ve begun my own rituals in life now (as of yesterday). I have me and the puppy and school and work and exercise and writing. So I need some touchstones. The last time I had a life crisis and dealt with depression it took me 8 months of establishing routines and touchstones (an hour at Starbucks with a book, Nag Champa burned at night before bed…) to claw my way out and always always I have to be highly physical. As much as I try to deny it I am an athlete and the hardest part of this year has been – not being one. Because I don’t know where to focus my energy and I’m ashamed at how soft and un-athletic my body has become. It feels foreign. When I moved to Singapore on the heels of a breakup (2 breakups and a rebound actually), a motorcycle accident and an identity crisis, I felt horrible for a long time. I didn’t understand my place in the world or in my own life. I cried daily (nightly), I floundered, my attention everywhere, I was so very lonely. and I bought a dog then too. And eventually I quit doing anything except showing up at work, taking a book to a coffee shop and reading everyday and then going to yoga everyday. I cried until I finally ran out of tears and made amends with myself for failing at everything. That year seemed like a waste at the time but I read 6 boxes of books, i rehabbed my shoulders without meaning too and eventually I became the me that met my husband. at just the right point where i could appreciate it. I was able to see myself through his eyes that didn’t know my past but only saw the current me – and even then it was a shiny, champagne version of the current me as anyone who has ever dated understands. but that experience changed my trajectory and things have just rolled out so beautifully. Not without difficulties of course, but its been a good several years. Because of this it’s been doubly frustrating – you mean I’m here again? I never get completely rid myself of these flaws? Ugh. but ok, diving in. And at least I know that if i did it once I can do it again right? Right.
Notice my favourite stretching buddy? she makes stretching an obstacle course. She lays down under me when I do down dog or she tries to kiss me on the mouth while I’m upside down. when I do a vinyasa she darts under me trying to get away before I can squash her. when i do runners stretches she tries to put her toy on my butt and then gets to chase it when it falls off. when I sit in my splits or pidegoen we play endless fetch, she brings her lion toy back to me and I immediately throw it. And then by the time I get to over splits she’s so exhausted she presses herself up against my legs and passes out on the mat. It’s the most adorable thing ever, one day I’ll have to film it.