This is a Novel
It’s time for this blog (and me) to evolve, continue our evolution. I started blogging in 2005 and in 2010 I took a break and started a new blog (this blog). The old blog is still out there in the internet-o-sphere… I know because when I met Dan he found and read all 5 years of it. At the time my life and my focus was changing and I wanted to write about what was taking up space in my brain. Well, that time has come again. I’m not really fitness obsessed anymore (never thought I’d say that) and while I workout most days a week I find that I’ve been feeling stagnant in the fitness arena. I have nothing of note to say. Same about nutrition. I’m not a nutritionist and I’ve been doing self experiments every few months for the past few years. And finding that those changes change very little about what I thought was wrong. No matter what workouts and “diets” I’ve tried, my body has stayed relatively the same for…ever. That magic diet I thought would transform me into that skinny person I know I’m supposed to be never appeared. I’ve been within the same 10lbs FOR DECADES. and I’ve actually done a lot of extreme things. I’ve worked out really hard, I’ve run the gamut from high raw vegan to ketogenic-existing mostly on burger patties and cheese cubes. I’m a pretty stubborn girl but even I can see that… this is my body and the problem is most likely not my diet or my workouts but…maybe my perception? or my emotions? or my thyroid? or… whatever it is I’m not “easily” and “naturally” 100lbs because I was meant to eat as a vegan or as a carnivore/herbavore/paleo/locavore…et al. or because I started P90X ore stopped lifting weights or took up yoga.
And honestly I’m now in my 30’s and there’s a lot more depth and dynamic (and a little less panic and confusion) to my life now. I still feel like a skinny soul trapped in a stocky body. And I don’t know why but working that out is going to take something other then physical changes. I would really like to step into this next year wrapped in a cloak of increasing wisdom and inner peace. and I don’t even care if that sounds like new-agey crap its what I want. I want to have more patience and find more solace, I want to feel more love, more silence and more complete. I want to be secure. I want to be… more. I want to find what I’m looking for and I want to inhabit my body, not fight agains it.
And the diet – well the ketogenic diet helped me lose 6lbs and is much easier when I travel (which is 365 days a year as I don’t have a home/stay with family/live on a ship). But I hate it. And if it’s just 6 lbs and not the 20 I long to lose or the boundless energy (I thought it was keto flu, but I just never got the energy back) or the resistance to depression, then I’d rather chose how I feel most comfortable eating. So, to the chagrin and eye rolling of my partner I’m vegan (today Dan caught me eating grapes and said “wait, you eat fruit now? I can’t keep up with what you can and can’t eat!” and he’s right, I’ve been a perpetual experiment). I always come back to vegan, but perhaps I need to be wiser this time? It’s health that leads me away – chronic fatigue, IBS, constant hunger, sugar cravings. But I’ve just cut out grains – all grains and I don’t see a reason to start eating them again and perhaps that’s what was causing that (still experimenting).
These past 2 weeks after finishing our contract, being in transit for 3 days (flight delays, cancellations, lost bags), then christmas with Dans family – I’ve been sick. But we all thought it was hay fever, seasonal allergies as Dan suffers from that too. But no medicine helped. I was so tired I could barely pull myself out of bed, I couldn’t run, so I went for long walks, I couldn’t sleep at night, my eyes swelled up and started leaking mucus (delightful, I know)I was staying ketogenic and drinking water and I thought the diet change was all for health and my immune system – but here I felt like death and my head was backed up and I had migraines. This can’t be right. If this was the diet for me I wouldn’t feel this way. I know, people get sick, but it’s how I felt about it. So I started researching my diet again and decided to return to my vegan ways to see what the difference is. Eating animals NEVER sat well with me, it’s against my beliefs and I don’t know how to explain it – I feel spiritually wrong. I have been studying Dr. Fuhrmans Eat to Live since. Last night after a particularly disgustingly mucos-y, fatiguing, eye crusting day my MIL took me to the chemist who immediately told me I didn’t just have hay fever, but also conjunctivitis, a bad cold, and a really run down immune system. Bingo, I have to focus on my immune system. I have to focus on my life and my spirit and my beliefs and my whole beautiful life instead of just trying to be as skinny as possible. I’m 31 and I still just want to feel skinny. But I guess when I say “skinny” what I mean is, at ease in my body. I slap the label “skinny” on the idea of being able to sit in a chair not sucking in my stomach and cross my legs without even thinking of how them. I am constantly hyper aware of my body and it’s inability to fold itself up comfortably. Which if I’m willing to be honest has very little to do with skinny and more to do with my emotions, the way my clothes fit and my joint health.
So, the Chemist gave me eye drops, nose drops, hay fever pills and something I take 3 times a day that I’m not sure what it is plus instructions to take 1,000 mg of vitamin c. I decided to quit fighting my spirit and just eat vegan even if it means I gain my 6 pounds of water weight back. and 2014 is going to be all about love – yeah, hippie bullshit, but my hippie bullshit. I’m going to eat vegan because I love my mind and if I feel better not eating animals so be it. I’m going to do yoga and running because both allow me to think and commit to something long term. Yoga teaches me to be loving and gentle and work with my body instead of forcing it to get results. I’m going to study Italian (I bought myself a Rosetta Stone program for Christmas!!), the beautiful language of my descendants. And I’m going to see myself as already who I want to be, someone who thinks less about the awkwardness of how I feel when I cross my legs or wear jeans and more about how much I want out of my life. I’m going to believe that I’m already beautiful so thats not something on my to do list anymore – I have so many other things on there. And I’m going to write again. There’s so much more I have to offer than what I eat and how I move. I’m not sure what I’ll write about but I’ll write. We’ll see 🙂 and I’m going to let Dan roll his eyes because lets be honest, it’s been hard to keep up with what diet/exercise program I’ve been on since I seem to change it up every 6 weeks or so.
Here’s to a bright New Year and good memories of the past. Here’s to not knowing what the future brings, but knowing it’ll be good no matter what…