PMS R US
yeah. I had a full blown mental health day yesterday. After grain free godess-ness for the last almost two weeks yesterday I felt like crap. It was the day before my period was supposed to start (I don’t get a period but I do get mood swings, cravings and deep feeling of depression the week I”m on those sugar pills) so I chalk it up to that. But it was awful, I wanted to cry, my stomach hurt, and I had to address some of my demons and fears. I hate how I look in pictures and how I feel inside my body. I feel fat and bulky and ugly and I feel like I failed. I’m glad I lost a few pounds this week due to cutting out grain, soy and most carbs but at what cost? I HATE not being vegan. Yesterday, I even decided to throw in the towel, forget that my IBS is gone, forget that I have no cravings and no bloating and no constipation and my face is clearing up. I decided today when I woke up I could hug animals and be vegan again even if it means I get chubby and live in the bathroom (again).
However, after watching chick flicks in bed, eating a bar and a half of dark chocolate for dinner (while in bed) …side note, the only reason I got myself out of bed yesterday was to go to the gift shop and try to find the darkest chocolate they had available which is not very dark btw. It’s Cadbury’s Royal Dark which I’m pretty sure is 40% dark chocolate at best but it was an emergency. A fact I had to explain to the cashier who couldn’t understand why I wasn’t going to buy this chocolate at the Crew Mart where it would be a bit cheaper “sir, the crew mart will not be open until tomorrow and this is a chocolate emergency”…. and frantically emailing my best friend, I woke up this morning feeling better. Rested and ready to start my morning with a light treadmill walk I happened upstairs and weighed myself finding I’d lost another pound. Another pound. That’s 4 in just over 2 weeks. I had been starving myself and working out like a wierdo to hold onto the same weight for 6 months. Now just cutting out grain, starches, all soy and sugars but eating meat, cheese, half and half, vegetables, seeds and yes, dark chocolate whenever I’m hungry means I’m effortlessly dropping weight? Well, that’s enough to make me stay the course.
I have no cravings today and even though I ate more then 30 carbs yesterday in the form of Cadbury, I feel fine today to just keep on keeping on. So that is what I’ll do. I don’t understand how I can be the most logical woman in the world for weeks and then the world comes crashing down one day and I can’t uncurl myself from around a pillow. Is it hormones? Or is it some darkness inside me that I just stuff down really well? I feel like I can’t be the only one.
In all honesty I do feel conflicted about my new lifestyle. Low Carb High Fat/ketogenic living seems to really be healthy for my body. It’s really soon to make huge conclusions but its enough to keep going and not what happens but ethically, spiritually I don’t want to consume animals. To help me understand other peoples experiences I’ve been reading this site religiously. I even bought her book which I devoured in a day. If you’re interested check it out…http://mariamindbodyhealth.com