Well, I’m loving the work I’m putting into the book (May Cause Miracles by Gabrielle Bernstein) but I’m backed up a bit – I’m still at the very end of week two. Day 13 I think which is fine with me. I don’t mind moving at a slower pace. I don’t want to skip over things and I’m pleased to say my days have been quite busy. So it’s okay. The thing is I’m wanting to take it even slower then suggested because I find the little mantra’s and attention shifts to be really useful and it takes more then just the mention of something for me to actually shift my focus. So I spend three days reminding myself that I can “trust that I’m being guided” every time I have a niggling fear, instead of one day and moving on and then it’s more of a habit. It may sound like a picky bit of semantics but it’s truly changing my days.
I have for a while now been aware that living life as a series of choices instead of events changes my ability to cope with things. When I see that my life is a series of my own choices I panic less and I enjoy more. Even if I can’t see it directly I hand selected all the little elements of my life that are currently at play and while that may sound depressing if you’re not going the way you want to I have found it to increase my happyness. For myself I can be okay with not getting what I want or disappointment if I know it’s not my fault – used in a light sense, not a blaming fashion-and not some hand of fate. I don’t mind taking the blame for the mishaps. I get to collect the reward for the successes after all. So yes (this is the example I’ll come back to time and again because I struggle with feeling okay about my body) I am heavier then when I left Australia and yes I’m nervous to start this new job and to see my fiance after a 5 month seperation at this higher weight/pant size, knowing full well that it’s even more disappointing because I had felt so good about myself, I had worked hard and now that hard work no longer shows. But, I chose the steps that brought me here and I am actively choosing steps to bring me to the next phase, I am building my future, I am building my body. I cannot go backward, but I own my past, my present and I’ve claimed my future. It’s freeing to me and keeps me focused. Every time I want to stew about how lazy I must have been and what I failure I must seem, it’s getting more natural for me to auto-correct, for me to stop myself mid-rant and think, what I”m choosing for tomorrow, the choices in the past are already made, done and dusted – I forgive myself for choosing fear in the past but now I choose love. and move on. The less time I spend on self-flagellation, the more time I can spend on building the future, living the present.
I believe all the time spent in ”self-flagellation” was a defense mechanism from my past that became a deeply ingrained habit. I’m sure it served me at one time, but it no longer does now. So I don’t have to do it anymore….
Now I’ve been creating a habit (laugh if you want) of painting my nails at night to match my outfit for the next day. I’ve never been girly or into what I considered unneccessary grooming. But I’m loving this new habit. It physically focuses me on something frivolous and beautiful about the future. It fills my time with planning my clothes and my “statement” for the next day instead of looking at the perceived failings of the past. Today I have a nice iridescent white on my nails and I do look pretty 🙂
Little habits become bigger ideologies. That’s just my theory!