End of Week 1 – May Cause Miracles
The short information is I’ve learned a lot this week. I’m actually shocked at how much my perception has shifted, or just begun to shift. It’s all really good and I think quite helpful.
I had a really bad day, my rant continued into the next day. I don’t know if it was just normal hormonal shift or if working to change my perceptions just dredge up some intense reactions or what. But there was a sentence I read in Gabrielle’s book that I’ve been kicking around using since – “miracles are just a shift in perception”.
And also, one of the exercises had us listing out our fears and then responding to them. One of her example responses was something along the lines of “I forgive myself for having this fear. It doesn’t help me at all. I choose to see love instead.”. When I wrote out my fears I realized that even if I am “fat” or “stupid” or “a big fat failure” that telling myself that and being afraid that I am, isn’t really an efficient use of my time. She’s right, that fear doesn’t really serve me – even if its more then a fear, even if it’s a reality. My weight has gone up little by little since I’ve been home and I’m afraid of getting bigger and yet, my “fear” is a reality, I just keep getting bigger. However having that fear is not helping me at all, it is not changing anything, it is not pushing me forward or making me smaller. It’s just there tearing me down every day. It was a light bulb moment for me. Recognizing these fears means I now want to ignore and move past them since THEY DON’T SERVE ME. I guess hanging onto those fears, motivating myself with them would make sense to me if they actually helped me progress. But they don’t. ANd perhaps she’s right and they actually keep me back.
Yeah, I’m gaining weight. Yeah it feels bad most of the time and I’m doing everything I can to lose weight and it’s backfiring. Perhaps not being afraid of it is the first step?
Whenever I’m trying to learn something new I grasp at my own experiences in life to help me explain and prove something does occur in nature or in my life in particular. So I started looking for similar patterns in my past. And one of the major “successes” in my life is my relationship with Dan.
For years I was afraid no one would love me, that I was in fact unloveable or “disgusting” as I used to put it. That I was nerdy and not easy to get along with, that if I let my guard down and didn’t watch everything I said and did, if I didn’t sit at a mans feet (true story) or make myself a useful woman that I wouldn’t just not be loved, that I wouldn’t see any reason to be wanted at all. and in my bit of experience it turned out to be true – and then some. Even when I did watch everything I said and tried to be perfect and believed and acted below my partner, eventually I wasn’t important enough to be cared for and so I would break up with whoever I was with and try to make myself better. There came a day when that all ended but it wasn’t abrupt, it was little changes over years and then an 8 month period of licking my wounds. When finally one day I thought – whatever, I like being by myself, I want to be able to have what I want in life, maybe I am ugly but I’m going to embrace it, I’m going to be ugly AND get what I want – I cut off all my hair (that was my attempt to embrace the ugly), showed up at a party even though I was feeling fat and bulky, I danced the night away like I didn’t care, because I didn’t. And I met Dan, that very night. The ironic part of my relationship with Dan is that it’s the only one in which I have behaved opposite of how my fears used to dictate. In the past I was afraid to make a mistake, or to speak up, or to disagree. With Dan because of the journey I’d just been on, I disagreed when I wanted to, knowing I might lose him but not being afraid. I was at my absolute highest weight and biggest body and yet I still felt the right to want certain things. Dan will actually say that the day he knew, KNEW he wanted to be with me, the day that sealed the deal, was actually the day I threw a fit at him in a public train station – stomping my foot even- because I insisted that he not waste my time. That’s completely opposite of my actual fears – I was being hard to handle, not subservient, not polite and not pretty.
So all of that to say, when I finally said my fears weren’t serving me in that area of my life, I found things that did serve me and the fruit of that has been the best relationship, a better love then I ever could have even believed in.
So here I am with another list of fears, and again my perception is shifting…