***WARNING I’M GOING TO SWEAR A LOT***
Well, today was Day 4 and it was supposed to be all about Gratefulness and you know what? It was an epic fail. Today was my first major wall. Apparently I’m not grateful. I had a major reaction to today, the whole day. You know what I actually am is angry. I HATE my body, I’m angry that no matter how hard I try I cannot stop hating it. It’s like betrayal of the worst kind-how could my own self be so disgusting to me? How can I still not be more loving then that? How can I hate myself so much? And I’m angry that nothing is familiar to me, not streets I drive on or people or grocery stores or workouts or foods, everything’s a fucking ordeal every few months. I’m angry that my body can’t figure out the temperature – it’s hot, its cold, I’m hungry I’m thirsty, I have dry skin, I’m breaking out, I’m allergic TO EVERYTHING. It’s like every few days my lips swell up and I get a rash on my face and I have to figure out what food is poisonous to me now. And what I’m most angry about is that it’s been 90 days since I’ve seen Dan. 90. fucking. days. 3 months of plastering a smile on my face and getting ready for adventure and going with the flow and being freaking grateful for time spent with family and travel and love in my life and I’m over it. I’m tired of being happy I have someone who loves me and I’m tired of talking about the future and I’m exhausted of thinking of what’s going to happen and being strong and independent and enlightened. I’m done. Now I’m just angry. I’m angry that I can’t get it together and just feel good about myself. I’m angry that I’ve fallen in love with someone that I can’t be with at the moment. I’m angry that it bothers me so much to be away. I’m furious that my life actually is so much better when we’re together. I’m enraged that I actually found a person I can’t find fault in or be a victim to and now I just can’t be with him, it’s stupid. I’m angry that I want so badly to use this time to be even better for him then when I left and I JUST KEEP FAILING MISERABLY. I’m fatter, I’m less happy, I still don’t know how to do my hair or not cry when I’m pissed off. I still drink diet coke likes it’s going out of style. I’m still trying to make friends with this lousy shitty body I’ve had for 30 years.
You know what, I just found it, what I’m grateful for. I’m grateful that I’m in a place in life where I can get all of that out and still know that everything is going to be fine because tomorrow will be new. And I am not a bad person for feeling angry. I am grateful I can feel my feelings without filter, that I can admit that I’m a human being with all the feelings in the spectrum. I am grateful that at the end of the day I will wipe my tears off my own face and set my alarm to embrace whatever tomorrow brings. I’m water, baby, I may rage against the rocks in my path, but I keep flowing around them.