Letting Go – Days 1-3
I’m learning a lot. It’s not really the book, it’s where I am in life at the moment that allows me to take just the smallest nudges to push me over huge cliffs.
I was watching The Carrie Diaries today, just the first episode. I’m not much of a TV watcher but lately I’ve been catching up on shows through Hulu.com. I’m finding myself really tired a lot and I seek downtime by laying in bed watching hulu. I hadn’t originally wanted to watch The Carrie Diaries as I felt like it was a shameless marketing ploy to extend out the financial success of Sex in the City which by all rights, has been a gigantic success anyway. In all honesty I never watched Sex in the City until years after it stopped being aired – a friend gave me the entire “pink bible” after my last break up and I watched it cover to cover falling in love with the seemingly very relevant issues. Perhaps my life is different then yours, its certainly different then I thought it would be. The issues of miscarriage, how kinky is too kinky, testicular (or cervical) cancer, the pros and cons of different methods of hair removal, balancing age/career/when and if children are to be had and questions of how many partners is too many are all extremely relevant to me, and even more-so when I was in my mid-twenties, living in California. But I’m getting off topic…
I decided to watch The Carrie Diaries today as I’ve exhausted New Girl, Grey’s Anatomy, Body of Proof, Modern Family and Bones. What’s left really? I really ended up liking it and I can’t wait to watch more but I was struck by something surprising. I am in awe of natural female beauty and my definition of natural is different then others perhaps. You see, I know the girl cast as Carrie is Australian and having lived in Australia for a while I was really impressed with her American accent. And her body, which is a more common body type, in my opinion, down under then here. Her body is soft and feminine (albeit tiny of course). Curvy. For as long as I can remember I have been forceably shaping my body through physical labor and nutrition modification. and I do mean as long as I can remember. I have been shaped, muscularly through soccer, swim team practices, gymnastics, dance – running, doing push ups, stretching my splits, building my lats, lifting, sprinting, lunging-since I was 3 years old. I started to manipulate my nutrition to fit different goals when I was 9 years old. I don’t know what my body would be now if I didn’t do that. I always assumed I would hate it, that I would feel unkempt, that I would be chubby and look lazy. What if that’s not true. What if my body, left alone to eat what it craved and move “normally” (whatever that is really), would have been soft and curvy and small, or large and shapely. I have no idea, I never even saw the outline of what my body could have been. And I’m not saying I regret it at all it’s just interesting to me. I’m also not suggesting that the woman who plays “Carrie” doesn’t work to shape her body or eat for goals either. Far be it from me to suggest that someone in television is all natural. But it’s certainly not the body of an athlete and I find it beautiful and I’m inspired by the beauty of it. It’s a kind of beauty I know nothing about. It’s a life I know nothing about. What would I do with myself if I didn’t workout and spend 80% of my life in physical pursuits? What do other people do? There’s so many beautiful, healthy, happy people that don’t jump from one dance rehearsal to pole class to sprint session. What do they do? and why?
Rabbit hole, I know.
But the last three days with the encouragement from “May Cause Miracles” I have first been willing to bear witness to my fears (Day 1). I have admitted that I am willing to see things differently (Day 2), and I have said “Love did not create this” when I am faced with my fears (Day 3) and so I have been looking at things differently. On purpose of course.
At the end of each day I have been listing the fears that come up during the day. I share this list with something like the opposite of pride, but I wanted to share the work I was doing. I do believe in it.
Fear List – I am afraid that:
1. I am fat
2. food I eat will make me fat
3. I will run out of energy if I don’t eat enough or the right thing
3. I will fail to be able to do what I need to do if don’t eat enough or eat too much or not the right thing
4. I am wasting time
5. I won’t be productive
6. I am lazy
7. I will have a conversation that I can’t get out of when I am no longer wanting to talk
8. I am missing important things
9. someone will hurt me because I am not being attentive or I am making a stupid decision
10. I will not be satisfied
11. will not well at whatever task is at hand and that I will feel worthless because of it
12. will not have the energy to do a good job
13. I am working out wrong and making my body bigger
14. I am too big
15. I am too wide
16. I am too muscular
17. I am not strong enough
18. I am lazy
This is a list of my daily pedantic fears. The fears that strike me while I’m driving and that shape my decisions. These are the motivating factors of my day, why I chose to eat what I eat, workout when and what I do, spend my time the way I do. Unfortunately it seems my biggest motivation in life is to find ways to not be fat.
One particular thing that I’m clinging too and deciding to change first is my belief in my own ability to get fat…from everything. Food will make me fat, skipping a workout will make me fat, working out the “wrong way” will make me fat, sleeping too long will make me fat, spending my day without a plan will make me fat. According to my own fears my ability to get “fat” is endless and my life is a chess game where fat constantly has me in the checkmate position. crap nuggets, that’s a lot of work for one aspect of my life. That’s a whole lot of fear.