Is This Thing On?!
As you may have noticed, I lost my desire to blog for a while. But due to recent requests I thought I’d try to see if the embers are still burning a little bit. The funny thing is, I have no shortage of things to write about. In fact my life is interesting, exciting, multi-faceted, evolving… I am loving life, and it’s moving quite fast. I’m experiencing it, tasting every piece of it. The highs are high and the lows are downright chasmic! But why did my desire to write suddenly leave me?
It wasn’t really my desire to write that went away. Actually I’ve been journalling the old fashioned way quite a bit, even though it’s shorts spurts each time. It’s the desire to share my thoughts, troubles, dreams and daily interests that seemed to vanish. Privacy has been something I’ve just started to appreciate. If you know me at all, I’ve been the proverbial “open book” for decades.
This sudden bent for privacy and savoring the pieces of my life in silence seems to me to be an age-related desire. All at once I had things worth protecting, it seemed (although they must have been there all along). The intricacies of my relationship are so precious to me that I want to hold them in my hands, turn them over to examine them , protect them with my whole body. The joys and pain of my hard won career are so personal, how could I expect anyone to want to share them? Who could understand? My words that might seem like meandering, pedestrian drivel when spread out visually, are so exciting while they’re being lived out on the daily. I don’t want to trivialize and lessen their impact.
Of course, writing doesn’t lessen or take away from reality. It preserves. And if there is anything worth preserving, in my humble opinion, it is the experience of my own life. I am lucky to live a life less ordinary. I am lucky to be so in love that being away from Dan feels like I’m missing a leg – I’m constantly aware of how far apart we are and yet how closely our spirits, our lives are tied. I am lucky to be an adult at my age that gets to experience my parents. How many 30 year old women get to spend such large chunks of time with their parents? To really know how you parents are while you are an adult. How many people get to bake a 7lb apple pie with their father for Thanksgiving and go see the festival of lights with their mother? I’m lucky to be a performer, to see that I am peaking at an age when most have already started, if not finished their decline and some form of retirement. I am lucky to travel. I should do a 2012 wrap up, I’ve been to so many cities, I’ve run in so many states, countries, neighborhoods. I’m lucky to know and love my in-laws. I’m lucky to know that I want children, there is no question. I am lucky that my body is still adapting to knew skills and maintaining a ridiculous amount of muscle mass and bone – regardless of my history of an eating disorder that dissolved 2/3 of my bone mass, I, with the help of my pediatrician and nutritionist gained all of that mass back and I have never had a documented broken bone (which means I may have fractured my foot and elbow, but I never had them x-rayed and I never missed a day of work for it!) I am lucky for so many more reasons and I am enjoying my life.
I will write again. I feel like I have a lot to share, a lot of good, a lot of revelations. More to come…