I’ve been having some crazy dreams lately.
First there was the one where I was pregnant and thought I was going into labor, so I laid myself down on the cold hardwood floor to stop my contractions. My pregnant abdomen was HUGE.
Then there came the dream where I was pretty much mindlessly eating peoples left over foods in an empty mess hall. I was like an animal scrounging from one persons half eaten food to the next and I was thinking “STOP CRISTA STOP! These aren’t foods on your diet, you’ll get fat!” and then I picked up someones opened have drunk soda can and put it my lips and my brain was screaming “NO!!! YOU’LL GET GERMS!! DON’T DRINK FROM THAT!”
But last night was the worst. I had a dream I was back with my ex boyfriend. We had bunk beds right next to a pool. I felt like I couldn’t get away from him but man was he annoying. and he would hold me down on the ground when I had to go to work and I’d beg him to let me go and he’d just smile and ignore me. Finally I was able to leave for work. When I came home he knocked me down and squeezed my rib cage and I really panicked, gasping for breath, I tried asking him to stop but he had smile plastered on his face that knew meant he wouldn’t. I begged I gasped. I was terrified, I knew I was going to black out and I tried to kick my legs. And then I woke up whimpering and I woke up Dan by accident.
That last dream was awful. I haven’t been able to shake the feeling from it.
The thing I’ve been noticing lately is that no matter how much I work out, no matter how strong I get, I am still scared. I think some part of me thought that if I was a strong woman, if I could do a million pull ups and throw a good punch and run reasonably fast that I wouldn’t be scared very often. But when I walk down the street I am painfully aware of how small and easy to overpower I am and I hate that. It feels like I’ll never be able to work out enough to be strong enough to save myself from any man who might want to hurt me or my family. Maybe I can be fast and maybe I can put up a good resistance and I’ll focus on that. But I still feel tension when Dan and I walk home from the gym and tall people pass us by and I don’t know their motive, or when I’m at the train station and someone sits down next to me.