Today’s Workout: AbRipperX + Chest and Back Workout
Well, I’m feeling better then the other day, clearly, as I’m up to my old shenanigans 🙂 Though I have to say I didn’t feel very strong today. I blame this on the absolutely wicked workout I was able to clear on Wednesday! I upped weight in everything and tried to be cheeky by adding in chin-ups between most of my normal exercises. The result – I felt like a beast on Wednesday, but today my chin-ups, pull-ups and push ups were weak sauce. That’s okay, I powered through.
Well, I’m human and yesterday I hit my humanoid wall. I wanted SUGAR. I was cranky and the idea of not getting to eat a mound of jelly beans or chocolate chips on a cheat day made me positively mean. Can I really sustain a “diet” where I don’t eat sugar sometimes? Where I don’t get to “cheat” regularly, if not moderately?
The thing is I know a lot of this has to do with the fact that I am unhappy and feel trapped in my situation. I’m waiting for work. Again. I’m relying on Dan for transportation. I have none of my own friends, I can’t so much as go pee without someone noticing. And I feel like I’ve waited long enough dammit. I’ve worked so hard for my career, I’ve spent so much time and energy on being professional, in shape, always ready, reliable. WHEN DO I GET THE JOB?! It’s been 8 months of waiting now and I hate waiting. When do I get to go home, to the US? When do I get to have a phone and know what the hell country I’m going to be in, when do I get to feel proud of my accomplishments. When do I get to plan my freaking wedding? When do I get to look people in the eye with that confidence that I have done something worthwhile, that I’m in control of my destiny. I don’t feel in control. I feel at the whims of government and relationship. And as much as my relationship is worth waiting for the “right” job, I deserve it now dammit (I know, swearing again).
But you know what? None of those are reasons to eat sugar. None of them. They are reasons to be angry, frustrated and sad. Maybe even cry. Definitely reasons to reassess current tactics and have serious conversations with the Fiance. But not reasons to dive headlong into jelly, sugar, deliciousness. Which speaks for…addiction. I kept saying that word to myself. It sounds like addiction, Crista, if a bad day makes you pine for sugar.
I am not demonizing sugar, or treats or cheat days. They have served me well in the past and I have not been “fat” or out of shape. I have eaten treats in moderation and not while continuing an active, mostly healthy lifestyle.I loved having cheat days as I liked the idea that I could eat all my naughty foods that I’d restricted for years with abandon. I’d devoured bags of jelly beans plus chocolate chips, crackers in hummus and granola, in one 24 hour period. It was oddly psychologically comforting even if I usually felt sick and a little guilty. But still if I’m craving sugar out of an addiction or an emotional desire to self soothe with food, it’s something I want to discontinue.
So I told myself, that I’d wait out today, I’d continue on my keto path this week, but if I felt like I didn’t like it or it was too restrictive, I could reassess on Sunday. I ate some cheese, had some tea, ate some more cheese and felt better. I woke up today with no cravings and quite pleased I hadn’t let my bad mood drive me to the sugar bowl. My energy was good and I really, really do believe that this way of eating is benefitting me. I haven’t had ANY IBS symptoms at all, I’m never bloated, I have no headaches, I’ve slept through the night for the most part. I was even able to re-introduce intervals with sprints yesterday (perhaps also what helped to trigger my sugar cravings). I want to keep going with this, I haven’t trialled it long enough to see if I’m getting what I want out of it yet. It simply hasn’t been long enough to give up yet. I also know that redefining my “cheats” and treats will work for me to. So I don’t want to eat jelly beans now…but I can get really dark chocolate and eat that on Sundays. And I can mix ricotta cheese with vanilla protein powder as I did the other night-it’s cheesecake, I swear. And whats not decadent about getting a chunk of feta to split with my lover and sipping a vodka diet coke or even a glass of champagne (1.2 carbs). Honestly eating some thick slabs of cheese is a beautiful dessert to me. I am redefining my food from all angles and I expect there to be some adjustments. I guess I hadn’t expected to have to admit to myself (and you) that I guess I have been an emotional eater. blurgh. Onward and upward. And cheeseward…