I’m less than a stellar person to be around this week. It’s weird because I’m actually quite happy, but I’ve been having some huge peaks and valleys. I went running this morning and the sun was shining, the birds were singing and I just felt busting with joy; who wouldn’t want to be me? I just got engaged to the love of my life, I’m jogging in the beautiful Australian countryside, I just started working again, I have everything about to change, the world about to evolve drastically as I embark on figuring out my 30’s, how to marry a foreigner, how to work as a dancer and actress, aerialist or whatever else I can be employed at, while not spending chunks of time away from Dan. The world is my oyster, I have the love of my life by my side, I have a little money in savings, I have my health, I have family. I have music in my life and happiness and I’ve traveled so many places!
On the other hand, I’m cranky. I’m working through doing two years of taxes at one time (damn you foreign income and my inability to understand tax laws!). I don’t owe anything but strike me down if it doesn’t take a huge effort to track down all the necessary documents!
I’m cold, cold, cold, I freaking hate the winter and we’re most likely going to move to NYC eventually and the idea of having to live in the cold for more then one more day makes me want to cry. I hate that my fingernails turn purple, I hate getting out of bed, I hate that I can’t tell if I’m gaining weight or not (I know, stupid girl problems, but I really can’t tell what my body is doing in the cold with my millions of layers of clothes on. I can’t tell when I’m hungry. I can’t tell if I’m drinking enough water. AAAAGHHH!). I really hate having to take off my clothes to shower and then getting warm finally under the water and then having to turn it off again and freeze. I’m a wuss, I know.
I am grumpy from spending so much time figuring out how to eat so I can continuously lose weight and not gain even an ounce. I’m tired of worrying. Dan doesn’t worry, but he’s never been told he’s too chubby to get a job (I have. wah wah). I’m OVER IT. I want to eat, I want to stop eating, I want to stop thinking about it or caring or wondering if today I’m going to be 1/2 a kilo more then yesterday and if my abs are going to show enough for that audition coming up in September – because god help me I need a freaking job. I’m frustrated that I have spent so much time on my weight and my body and my eating habits (I’ve done so many different things, some were just spinning my wheels) and clearly not enough time on anything more meaningful as I have very little to show for myself. No great works of art, no career achievements, nothing given back to society.
I’m angry that I’m finally at a place in life I should have been at by 25 or younger. Now I have no idea how I’m going to get back to my country, audition, get good enough jobs, be a good enough performer to establish myself before it’s too late to have children. I’m worried I’ll always be a subpar performer and the best I can do is community theater and the occasional theme park and how can I have kids and look them in the eye if by 30 I couldn’t be great at anything? I don’t have excuses, I didn’t get married or pregnant young, I didn’t have an illness or amputation or anything except myself to get in my way.
and damn it, I would give my freaking left arm for a fucking piece of chocolate right now. But I’m not supposed to eat chocolate on a Thursday and I’m trying to do IF so I’m not supposed to be eating anything right now, for my own good and yet. I. just. want. chocolate. or cake. or chocolate cake with buttercream frosting.
But even as I’m writing this rant I look over at Dan whose singing, practicing. And even though his head is in the game he smiles at me and comes over to ruffle my hair while I’m typing. And man, I’m just so lucky. Because everyone has frustrations in their life. But not everyone has a Dan to share the ups and down with. Not everyone has family or music or love or an ability see how beautiful the sky is. I do. I have all of that and more. The only thing I don’t have is chocolate. I hope I can remedy that soon…
End of rant.
ps. Dan’s mom just got home and handed me a dark chocolate cherry ripe. I nearly kissed her… ask and you shall receive 🙂