I’m less than a stellar person to be around this week.  It’s weird because I’m actually quite happy, but I’ve been having some huge peaks and valleys.  I went running this morning and the sun was shining, the birds were singing and I just felt busting with joy; who wouldn’t want to be me? I just got engaged to the love of my life, I’m jogging in the beautiful Australian countryside, I just started working again, I have everything about to change, the world about to evolve drastically as I embark on figuring out my 30’s, how to marry a foreigner, how to work as a dancer and actress, aerialist or whatever else I can be employed at, while not spending chunks of time away from Dan.  The world is my oyster, I have the love of my life by my side, I have a little money in savings, I have my health, I have family.  I have music in my life and happiness and I’ve traveled so many places!

On the other hand, I’m cranky.  I’m working through doing two years of taxes at one time (damn you foreign income and my inability to understand tax laws!).  I don’t owe anything but strike me down if it doesn’t take a huge effort to track down all the necessary documents!

I’m cold, cold, cold, I freaking hate the winter and we’re most likely going to move to NYC eventually and the idea of having to live in the cold for more then one more day makes me want to cry.  I hate that my fingernails turn purple, I hate getting out of bed, I hate that I can’t tell if I’m gaining weight or not (I know, stupid girl problems, but I really can’t tell what my body is doing in the cold with my millions of layers of clothes on. I can’t tell when I’m hungry. I can’t tell if I’m drinking enough water. AAAAGHHH!). I really hate having to take off my clothes to shower and then getting warm finally under the water and then having to turn it off again and freeze. I’m a wuss, I know.

I am grumpy from spending so much time figuring out how to eat so I can continuously lose weight and not gain even an ounce.  I’m tired of worrying. Dan doesn’t worry, but he’s never been told he’s too chubby to get a job (I have. wah wah).  I’m OVER IT. I want to eat, I want to stop eating, I want to stop thinking about it or caring or wondering if today I’m going to be 1/2 a kilo more then yesterday and if my abs are going to show enough for that audition coming up in September – because god help me I need a freaking job. I’m frustrated that I have spent so much time on my weight and my body and my eating habits (I’ve done so many different things, some were just spinning my wheels) and clearly not enough time on anything more meaningful as I have very little to show for myself. No great works of art, no career achievements, nothing given back to society.

I’m angry that I’m finally at a place in life I should have been at by 25 or younger. Now I have no idea how I’m going to get back to my country, audition, get good enough jobs, be a good enough performer to establish myself before it’s too late to have children.  I’m worried I’ll always be a subpar performer and the best I can do is community theater and the occasional theme park and how can I have kids and look them in the eye if by 30 I couldn’t be great at anything? I don’t have excuses, I didn’t get married or pregnant young, I didn’t have an illness or amputation or anything except myself to get in my way.

and damn it, I would give my freaking left arm for a fucking piece of chocolate right now. But I’m not supposed to eat chocolate on a Thursday and I’m trying to do IF so I’m not supposed to be eating anything right now, for my own good and yet. I. just. want. chocolate.  or cake.  or chocolate cake with buttercream frosting.

But even as I’m writing this rant I look over at Dan whose singing, practicing. And even though his head is in the game he smiles at me and comes over to ruffle my hair while I’m typing.  And man, I’m just so lucky.  Because everyone has frustrations in their life. But not everyone has a Dan to share the ups and down with.  Not everyone has family or music or love or an ability see how beautiful the sky is.  I do. I have all of that and more. The only thing I don’t have is chocolate.  I hope I can remedy that soon…

End of rant.

ps. Dan’s mom just got home and handed me a dark chocolate cherry ripe. I nearly kissed her…  ask and you shall receive 🙂


About Coco

Dancer, performer, cosmetologist and now first time mum. I spent my life traveling the world as a performer. Now, the next chapter is unfolding...

Posted on July 26, 2012, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 10 Comments.

  1. Awwww! Hug hug hug. I really hate feeling the way you are right now. Pissed off for no apparent reason. Wanting to smack someone just to see them cry….. And enjoying it. No? Just me??? ;). It’s ok to be human. Maybe it’s the IF? If you feel deprived then eat that chocolate. 🙂 Go to the mirror right now and smile at yourself…. Do it, you will eventually start laughing too. I love to fake laugh with my niece and nephew…we all start laughing till our sides hurt! Bless your heart….take a deep breath, you got this.

  2. While I have no concept of what it takes to be you, and how to live your life, and how you always have others judging your body (I mean, I’m pretty good at doing that to myself, well REALLY good, but can’t imagine having others do it to me), and I don’t get this whole IF thing (just doesn’t sound healthy but that’s all I’ll say), but BIG MAJOR SERIOUS props to you for being able to realize that while yeah, some things suck in life, you DO have it good and I think your good typically outweighs your bad. Kudos for recognizing ALL of it, good or bad, and then putting it out there for the whole world to see. 🙂

    Also, you might be interested in reading Dr. T. Colin Campbell’s The China Study, it is fantastic and mind-blowing and seriously a must-read to everyone I know. I can give more details when my internet doesn’t suck 🙂

    • Thanks Liz. Actually someone gave me The China Study and I think its in one of the boxes from Singapore….

      • It’s taking me awhile to get through it since I’m not reading a ton at a time, but hey Tiffany, glad you downloaded it! I’m reading it on my Kindle too, I’m about 62%-ish through and it’s just fascinating! My only suggestion is to look up the critiques of it … I was just curious what others had to say in opposition to the research that I couldn’t see myself.

  3. Girl…sometimes you just gotta get it OUT!!! You already know what to do – bring excellence to everything you do 🙂 Can’t really compare yourself to where you should be or where others are – you are exactly where you ought to be. And trust…you ain’t subpar ANYTHING!!! ❤ ❤

    BTW…LIZ thanks for the reading tip I just downloaded the kindle version!

    • Thanks Tiff, I needed to VENT!!

    • actually this is great – Tiffany and Liz, you might want to keep in touch. Tiffany, Liz is one of my first friends from childhood and she lives in Cincinnati (or close right Liz?) and Liz, Tiffany is a good performer friend of mine who might be in Ohio sooonnnn…

      • Yup, still in Cincinnati and will be for the foreseeable future. And feel free to send Tiffany my email address!

  4. Sweetie, listen to your body. It will tell you what it needs. The fasting wasn’t working *for you*. It might work for others. The slow-carb diet doesn’t work for me. The cheat day turned into a cheat month. For me, it’s no grains at all, oatmeal or quinoa *once in a while*, just pure protein, veggies and an occasional piece of fruit. (Too much fruit and I’m cheating again. F*** you, Sugar!) And NO wheat. At all. Ever. That shit screws me up too bad. You’ve been going down various eating paths for years. You have tried most everything. If you found something that worked, stay with that. At the years go by, you’ll see that what worked at 25 or 30, won’t work at 40 or post-baby. (These things I know! <3) Trust your gut, literally. Love you, darling!

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