Life is needing me to man up and be an adult more then usual and I don’t think I’m keeping up with task very well. There’s been such a concentration of decisions, stress, disappointments and changed plans – or so it seems to me- that I feel like I have very little control over my world. I feel inhibited by my inability to see the big picture.
Dan keeps reminding me that since we have each other there is no wrong answer, just different ones. But my “answers” to the questions affect our future. We’re staring down some serious time apart (more info when I feel ready to talk about it) and also the choices we’re making fall in the “years” category, not days or months. It feels so heavy. I tend to be very much a charge ahead kind of girl and in characteristic fashion I have done just that and then several times recently have found that some opportunities just weren’t practical to persue in light of our desire to be together or be in a certain place or leave ourselves open to specific opportunities. It’s all just a messy unknowable jumble at the moment. And even in my younger days when I wasn’t worried about being near D-bag, or the impending age that, while I am embracing emotionally, very seriously impacts my career and my child bearing abilities. I bemoan the boundaries of being a woman more then ever.
And this is the lesson I know I’m supposed to be learning. I’m supposed to be setting my fears free, living in the moment trusting that the “universe” or whatever will open up and give me just what I need and want. I’m supposed to learn that near or far Dan will love me, he won’t forget me, he’ll remember our value to each other. But I’m not that enlightened yet. I am afraid that if I don’t take the reigns and make my future it won’t be made. I’m afraid I’ll take decisive steps in the wrong direction and set myself and Dan up for more hassle and hardships. I’m afraid that after a month of not being around each other, not hearing each other’s breath while sleeping, not teasing each other on the way to the shower in the morning that we’ll start to lose valuable, irreplaceable chunks of our love, our precious, vital, revolutionary love. I’m afraid that when I leave I’ll have forgotten my own value as a single person. Who am I without Dan? Am I good and talented and worthwhile? Who am I when no one is regularly valuing my existence?
Does this make me weak? I don’t think so. I think this is what makes me strong, my ability to honestly evaluate where I am. I have fears, I’d be lying to pretend it wasn’t so. I let myself confront those fears head on. I sit with them and let them take their toll. I let myself be the fragile, fickle, fearful human that I am and then I keep working harder. Yes, I am afraid of what might happen in the coming month. I want this transition period to be over.
But it’s not.
Workout today was AbripperX and Stott Pilates:Pure Vitality (vinyasa yoga flow with pilates highlights). Tomorrow I’m planning on 40 minutes of intervals. I need to get my heart rate up, to sweat and then to come down before my legs fatigue. I’ve got that 15k coming up on Saturday. I can’t think of a better weekend for a New Zealand vacation. I’ll have Dan all to myself for 4 days, a hotel overlooking the water and nothing but free time (and a race!)