I Can’t Get No

*another long, wordy, heavy post. you’re so lucky I have tons of time on my hands, muahahahaha*

I need a training plan.

While I was in Singapore I had various fitness goals. Some revolved around desires for my body like losing bulk, toning my stomach, looking fit for auditions and jobs. Some revolved around achievements – training for and running the 1/2 marathon, 100 push ups/situps a day, 100 miles in 30 days et. al

When we left Singapore in November and knew we’d be traveling, visiting families over the holidays for almost 2 months my goal was just this – workout in some capacity whenever you can to stay fit for auditions and unexpected jobs and to fit in your clothes (can’t buy more until we figure out where we’re going) my main focus was on staying active to whatever capacity I could while enjoying the very rare time I had to spend with family (in Ohio, NYC and then in Australia). This basically meant I jogged outside whenever I could and did some push ups and sit ups in my room or the bathroom. I signed up for 3 races over the holidays mostly to keep me moving and to have some event anchoring my holiday fitness. I did 2 out of the 3. The Thanksgiving 10k was out ranked by a 2 day visit from my baby sister.









That unplan plan worked really well. I had brought my resistance bands and even got a few really good airport workouts in with them.  I have amazing memories with my fam and got to enjoy the cold outdoors several times. But now that we’ve been in one place for a month now and the holidays and visiting is over and yet we’re still in between jobs I’m finding my motivation to workout frenetic. It’s not that I don’t want to work out it’s that all I want to do is work out. Like there’s nothing else important in life. And so I ended up doing Bodyrock, because I found that to be challenging the first week or two and then looking for whatever else I can do before we have plans – the Visual impact workout, long walks, gym classes, yoga podcasts. None of them seem like enough. I always want to do one more thing even if bodyrock was enough to make me sweaty and yoga stretched me out and the walk cleared my head. But even when built on top of each other I don’t feel satisfied, I don’t feel that great “yeah, I did it!” I just feel like I’m spinning my wheels or working out strictly to burn of what I eat. Ugh. So I set this goal to start running again. I hate running therefore running is acheivement. But every time I start I HATE IT. Including today. I got on the treadmill after bodyrock and about three steps in I couldn’t wait to finish, I even rigged up my computer to watch How I Met Your Mother while I “ran” but not even a mile in, legs heavy, feeling like crap I knew I’d lost it. I did some intervals – walk/run/walk/run until about 2 miles and then I just walked the rest of the 7k.  Then I stretched got some water, popped a mint and thought I’d just get back on the horse. I started up the treadmill again and thought I’d just pound out a 5k. But I don’t have the heart for it.  What is wrong with me?

I gave up. I stretched out. I realized I was really hungry so I made some crackers and cheese and decided to brainstorm.

Something has changed. I’m bored with being toned. Whats the use of working to get abs if they don’t DO anything. This is new, my body image held me back for so long and now, its just not that important (don’t get me wrong, I get upset when my clothes don’t fit). It’s not enough. I do want an athletic looking body because I want it to do athletic things. I look a lot stronger then I actually am, I don’t know why. I have these arm muscles and abs and my legs are gigantic quad machines – but I tire from running a mile and I’d probs struggle to do 6 pull ups now, so they’re what, fake toned? I want to be like those women who run marathons, who train and conquer! Easy answer. Train. Conquer. It’s as simple as that isn’t it What’s wrong is I have no goal. The travel is over and there is no purpose to my training. No race, no audition, no job, no nothing. There’s nothing, not even fear that my self worth will be gone because, it won’t be. Dan will still love me and lets be honest I’ll still have big muscular quads even if I give up expercise, full stop. Also it just struck me how absurd my simple equation for life really is – food makes you fat and exercise (and food restriction of course) keeps you from being fat. Ridiculous. Bonkers. Not even true. Now realize here that we all come to this from different points and I am not making comments on other peoples lives. I’m telling you about mine. I have never in my life suffered from being overweight or nutrition related health problems. Oh except malnutrition from purposefully starving myself. Working out for weight loss or to burn off a meal or dessert or to fit in my jeans is depressing to me. It’s like anti-motivation.  It makes me want to curl up and cry.  I don’t know why but I’m not a person who eats to feel good or better. I don’t even particularly find that “joy” in my food that people talk about. I don’t even like to eat really. I do get hungry and then I want  NEED to eat (and I do) and usually something specific. But some people are transported by food – foodies-they know the best places to eat, savor gorgeous, melt in your mouth food. I’m not those people – I envy them a little. I like eating the few things I like eating. I know what makes me feel full or satisfied. I used to feel that joy in achievement. When I couldn’t get it from performing, I got it from achieving in fitness. Even though I hate running I got a kick out of achieving miles. I feel no joy right now, not in workouts. I feel no joy in food. The only thing I’ve really felt joy in lately were dance classes and cuddling with Dan, and making plans for the future.










So I need a goal. What can I do? Run a race is a good tangible goal. WHY DO I LOATHE RUNNING? Maybe running is just not for me? Then what is? I like bodyrock just because it’s a great crosstraining activity, I feel like I benefit from the 12 minuts of HIIT. But there’s very little achievement in it for me.  Should I pick up cycling? I could do that, I’d have to get a bike which is fine but a little hard to carry out training once we’re on a cruise ship, though there are spin bikes and stationary bikes. I can focus on dancing, but dancing is art to me, performing is the one thing I’m afraid of never doing again. Dancing, performing is my heartbeat and I don’t even think I’m very good at it, I just love it. I can take classes, and I do.  I was waiting for my contacts on back order to get in but seriously if they’re not in tomorrow I’ll just go blind.

So I guess I’ll just set a goal. And tell you about it. Soon, as soon as I set it 🙂

And lets not forget – hooray, after fighting with anorexia and bulimia and finding my self worth in my size since I was 9 years old (wow, that’s 20 years of ridiculous) I have come to the end. I, today, realized I do not give a shit. I need more. I need a goal. It’s like I just, while writing this post, realized I’ve been looking in the fun-house mirror forever and that it’s not a real representation of the world, or my reflection. It’s like everything I ever believed about life and myself was backwards. and apparently I can’t stop writing…someone help me…intervention…aaaaahhhhhhh


About Coco

Dancer, performer, cosmetologist and now first time mum. I spent my life traveling the world as a performer. Now, the next chapter is unfolding...

Posted on January 24, 2012, in Fitness, Life and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 9 Comments.

  1. What about an obstacle course? Like the Warrior Dash?

  2. You have to run 2 miles to get better at running one mile. 3 miles to get better at running 2 miles. The first mile always sucks. I don’t settle into a run until about 40min into the run. If you don’t want bulk do Tracy Anderson. If you want to be fit and toned, keep up with Bodyrock. If you truly don’t give a bleep anymore…DO WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD…what makes you happy. There isn’t a magic program out there. Your body will respond better to some than others. Take your mind out of it for a while. If you think you are fat, you are. If you think you are thin and strong and fit, you are and that’s the direction your body will follow.

    • Thanks you always write what I need to hear 🙂 How do you know what makes you feel good? What if I never feel good? How do you know? It’s good to know you don’t settle in until about 40 min. I always like running better after the first 3 miles. I forgot that.

  3. Am SO GLAD that you don’t give a shit anymore! THAT is what will make you happy! Just do – or DON’T do – what makes you happy. Your body will respond appropriately. LOVE YOU!

  4. How do you know? Look up flow (related to psychology). When you’re in the flow, you feel it. It might be on a day when your running feels effortless. Not every run will fell effortless, but when training, recovery, and nutrition meet up and you feel as though you aren’t even running, your breathing is free, no aches in your body, etc. Everything is joyful in that moment…that’s flow. Be aware of moments of flow…seek them. I bet you used to feel it rock climbing. I bet you’ve felt it performing many times. I’m sure you feel it in dance. Even in Bodyrock…it’s the good burn and high heart rate and pushing yourself just a little out of your comfort zone knowing that it’s only going to last 12 minutes or 16 minutes. Protein within 20 minutes of your workout. I run 5-6 miles, do bodyrock, do an 1:10 of yoga most days and I consume about 1000-1200 calories. It’s not a ton of calories for all of that activity, but my body doesn’t need 2000 calories. I feel energized. You can easily consume 1200 calories in chocolate chips alone.

    • Thanks Carrie. You’re right I felt happy (flow) rock climbing, almost every time I dance, whenever I’m performing. I miss feeling that and I’m so aggravated but it has more to do with being patient in my situation then with any activities. I’m taking out my frustration on everything else – food, workouts, sleep, conversations.

      You really eat 1000-1200 and feel energized? awesome

  5. I was going to echo Carrie’s first comment in many respects. I rarely enjoy the first 2-3 miles of a run, that is very, very true. I usually find my groove around mile 3 or 4 and then I’m pretty much set (unless there are hills in which case I will lose that groove but find it eventually in a shorter distance). But how the hell she does 5-6 miles, Bodyrock, and an hour of yoga on 1000-1200 calories is BEYOND ME. I’m also jealous of people who have that kind of time! Keep your head up girl, sounds like you have a good plan going (i.e. next post) and if you need a marathon training schedule let me know … it’s not 6 months but it might help a bit!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: