I Can’t Get No
*another long, wordy, heavy post. you’re so lucky I have tons of time on my hands, muahahahaha*
I need a training plan.
While I was in Singapore I had various fitness goals. Some revolved around desires for my body like losing bulk, toning my stomach, looking fit for auditions and jobs. Some revolved around achievements – training for and running the 1/2 marathon, 100 push ups/situps a day, 100 miles in 30 days et. al
When we left Singapore in November and knew we’d be traveling, visiting families over the holidays for almost 2 months my goal was just this – workout in some capacity whenever you can to stay fit for auditions and unexpected jobs and to fit in your clothes (can’t buy more until we figure out where we’re going) my main focus was on staying active to whatever capacity I could while enjoying the very rare time I had to spend with family (in Ohio, NYC and then in Australia). This basically meant I jogged outside whenever I could and did some push ups and sit ups in my room or the bathroom. I signed up for 3 races over the holidays mostly to keep me moving and to have some event anchoring my holiday fitness. I did 2 out of the 3. The Thanksgiving 10k was out ranked by a 2 day visit from my baby sister.
That unplan plan worked really well. I had brought my resistance bands and even got a few really good airport workouts in with them. I have amazing memories with my fam and got to enjoy the cold outdoors several times. But now that we’ve been in one place for a month now and the holidays and visiting is over and yet we’re still in between jobs I’m finding my motivation to workout frenetic. It’s not that I don’t want to work out it’s that all I want to do is work out. Like there’s nothing else important in life. And so I ended up doing Bodyrock, because I found that to be challenging the first week or two and then looking for whatever else I can do before we have plans – the Visual impact workout, long walks, gym classes, yoga podcasts. None of them seem like enough. I always want to do one more thing even if bodyrock was enough to make me sweaty and yoga stretched me out and the walk cleared my head. But even when built on top of each other I don’t feel satisfied, I don’t feel that great “yeah, I did it!” I just feel like I’m spinning my wheels or working out strictly to burn of what I eat. Ugh. So I set this goal to start running again. I hate running therefore running is acheivement. But every time I start I HATE IT. Including today. I got on the treadmill after bodyrock and about three steps in I couldn’t wait to finish, I even rigged up my computer to watch How I Met Your Mother while I “ran” but not even a mile in, legs heavy, feeling like crap I knew I’d lost it. I did some intervals – walk/run/walk/run until about 2 miles and then I just walked the rest of the 7k. Then I stretched got some water, popped a mint and thought I’d just get back on the horse. I started up the treadmill again and thought I’d just pound out a 5k. But I don’t have the heart for it. What is wrong with me?
I gave up. I stretched out. I realized I was really hungry so I made some crackers and cheese and decided to brainstorm.
Something has changed. I’m bored with being toned. Whats the use of working to get abs if they don’t DO anything. This is new, my body image held me back for so long and now, its just not that important (don’t get me wrong, I get upset when my clothes don’t fit). It’s not enough. I do want an athletic looking body because I want it to do athletic things. I look a lot stronger then I actually am, I don’t know why. I have these arm muscles and abs and my legs are gigantic quad machines – but I tire from running a mile and I’d probs struggle to do 6 pull ups now, so they’re what, fake toned? I want to be like those women who run marathons, who train and conquer! Easy answer. Train. Conquer. It’s as simple as that isn’t it What’s wrong is I have no goal. The travel is over and there is no purpose to my training. No race, no audition, no job, no nothing. There’s nothing, not even fear that my self worth will be gone because, it won’t be. Dan will still love me and lets be honest I’ll still have big muscular quads even if I give up expercise, full stop. Also it just struck me how absurd my simple equation for life really is – food makes you fat and exercise (and food restriction of course) keeps you from being fat. Ridiculous. Bonkers. Not even true. Now realize here that we all come to this from different points and I am not making comments on other peoples lives. I’m telling you about mine. I have never in my life suffered from being overweight or nutrition related health problems. Oh except malnutrition from purposefully starving myself. Working out for weight loss or to burn off a meal or dessert or to fit in my jeans is depressing to me. It’s like anti-motivation. It makes me want to curl up and cry. I don’t know why but I’m not a person who eats to feel good or better. I don’t even particularly find that “joy” in my food that people talk about. I don’t even like to eat really. I do get hungry and then I
want NEED to eat (and I do) and usually something specific. But some people are transported by food – foodies-they know the best places to eat, savor gorgeous, melt in your mouth food. I’m not those people – I envy them a little. I like eating the few things I like eating. I know what makes me feel full or satisfied. I used to feel that joy in achievement. When I couldn’t get it from performing, I got it from achieving in fitness. Even though I hate running I got a kick out of achieving miles. I feel no joy right now, not in workouts. I feel no joy in food. The only thing I’ve really felt joy in lately were dance classes and cuddling with Dan, and making plans for the future.
So I need a goal. What can I do? Run a race is a good tangible goal. WHY DO I LOATHE RUNNING? Maybe running is just not for me? Then what is? I like bodyrock just because it’s a great crosstraining activity, I feel like I benefit from the 12 minuts of HIIT. But there’s very little achievement in it for me. Should I pick up cycling? I could do that, I’d have to get a bike which is fine but a little hard to carry out training once we’re on a cruise ship, though there are spin bikes and stationary bikes. I can focus on dancing, but dancing is art to me, performing is the one thing I’m afraid of never doing again. Dancing, performing is my heartbeat and I don’t even think I’m very good at it, I just love it. I can take classes, and I do. I was waiting for my contacts on back order to get in but seriously if they’re not in tomorrow I’ll just go blind.
So I guess I’ll just set a goal. And tell you about it. Soon, as soon as I set it 🙂
And lets not forget – hooray, after fighting with anorexia and bulimia and finding my self worth in my size since I was 9 years old (wow, that’s 20 years of ridiculous) I have come to the end. I, today, realized I do not give a shit. I need more. I need a goal. It’s like I just, while writing this post, realized I’ve been looking in the fun-house mirror forever and that it’s not a real representation of the world, or my reflection. It’s like everything I ever believed about life and myself was backwards. and apparently I can’t stop writing…someone help me…intervention…aaaaahhhhhhh