Frustration, Food and Friends- it should be Friday
Frustration: I’m not going to lie to y’all my bad mood from the other day is still around. I want my dancing job and I want it now. I feel fenced in. I LOVE to work. LOVE IT. And while taking dance classes has on one hand helped my frustration (yay I’m dancing again!!!) I think it’s also made it worse. I was worried I’d take classes and feel terrible, like a washed up old lady hanging desperately to the threads of what I wasn’t all that great at anyway. At the risk of sounding un-humble, that is not what happened. I pushed, I worked, I felt my body go back to is normal rhythm. I need the classes, my turns and technique are rusty and I am taking all beginner/intermediate classes, but by god I am an artist and I was meant to move. And thank Dan almighty, he’s been driving me into the city and waiting around until classes are finished to drive me home. But after class all I have left to do is talk about my joint unemployment with Dan and then ride back to his folks house and then plan when I’m going to workout. While I love a life of working out, dancing and spending time with loved ones, I feel rather useless at the moment. I want to know WHEN I will employed again. Don’t misunderstand, any extra time I have I can totally use to oil back up this old machine with classes, classes, classes is really great. I can’t believe I haven’t taken classes in years. Sometimes my own stupidity and fear astounds me. But, I also don’t want to burn through my savings ignorantly waiting for a job.
So, I’m cranky. And there’s nothing anyone can do about it unless you’re a casting agent – then, please give me a job with my boyfriend. I promise you two super hard workers who don’t complain (except when it’s warranted) and are both super attractive 🙂 We’re versatile and I’m flexible (in many ways!) and gosh darn it, people like us!
See, I have fans (when I wear booty shorts…)
Food Update, Whole30 or whatever you want to call my very recent feeding adjustment is going pretty well despite my insistence on chocolate chips and diet coke. What I thought would be the hardest adjustment has been pretty easy – abstaining from grain. Last night I realized that as soon as I eat fruit my stomach gets all upset again. So I’m going to avoid fruit as well for a while which leaves me with vegetables, meat, eggs and seeds. So I made the decision to allow myself cheese too. could be bad except after eating cheese on my salad today my stomach was fine. wtf is up with my body- yes to cheese no to fruit?? So I guess I’m back on atkins? I remember feeling gross on the atkins diet but there’s a huge difference now. Back then, since I wasn’t comfortable with a lot of the foods I relied heavily on processed “safe” food – protein bars, sugar free cocoa and jello (I ate so much sf lime jello I think the inside of my stomach was bright green) and I was constantly hungry. Today I had a slice of cheese and green tea for breakfast just to try it out. Dan took me out to lunch shortly afterwards and I had a greek salad with feta (ok, and a diet coke) and I’m not hungry, my stomach isn’t upset, I did the bodyrock workout and didn’t feel fatigued. I know it takes a few weeks to see if changes work and I’m unbearably impatient. But I think after these few tweaks I’ve figured out how I need to eat for a while. So my palate for the next few weeks will be vegetables (although I’ll avoid potato, I’m all for pumpkin and carrot often an atkins no no but I’m quite active), lean meat, eggs (my saving grace!), sunflower/pumpkin seeds, and some cheese – though I think being limited on the cheese is a good idea. I’m not adding dairy back in altogether, just cheeeeese. I’m really proud of how quickly and steadfastly I took out lattes (my loves) and replaced them with plain green and black tea, ditched bread, crackers and pita and even jelly beans and lollies. Lets see if I can keep myself away from the dark chocolate….
Goodbye dirty rotten treats…
Friends: I miss having friends in the same location as me. I’ve moved a lot and adapted for the past two years in singapore and I love being here with Dan and all the people that know and love him. But I can’t recall the last time I got together with a girlfriend of mine for coffee. I miss having a phone that my friends can text when they see something funny. I miss being able to call my sister when I’m sad. I miss complaining about work while I’m at work with Maia and Troy. It was a tease getting to see Melanie in NYC, a wonderful wonderful tease that left me more lonely in its wake. Blogging helps. And in all honesty, as lame as it may sound, doing Bodyrock as opposed to one of my own workouts makes me feel more connected to other people. And now that Liz is doing it too I feel like a friend that “get together” with in a way which is amazing. I’m not complaining, I’m just exploring my own feelings and being cranky isn’t helping anyone. So I’ve clarified, I’m afraid I won’t get a job at this rate and I’m lonely for friends, the ability to drive myself places and I miss my independent abilities. I’m an old dog. New tricks are hard. And require treats.
Biggest treat ever! Mel (and Austin!) in NYC!!!
So that’s it. I think it’s important, as a writer, to not only use spell check, but to also be honest. Some things don’t need answers, they just need to be said and maybe explored. All my frustrations and feelings are what they are and will change in time, as everything does.
Off topic, I’ve been trying to lug my camera around with me to try to capture me some beauty …its not hard in australia! When I go for walks I’m surrounded by monarch butterfly’s and gorgeous scenery, so I’ll be posting a few pictures here:
This tree says “don’t be afraid to go around naked”