Well, Since You Asked
Well, since you asked:
Tessa at Amazing Asset asked about how I handle having to weigh in at work so I thought I’d blog to y’all about it, because honestly I had to think about how to answer her. It’s definitely been a process and I deal with it differently now then I did before.
The quick answer is I hate it and I try not to think about it. Boom. It’s just a number and whatever it is I’m probably (no, absolutely) not going to like it so (even at my lowest weight when I was sick I was disappointed. sigh), best just to keep it simple – do what you have to do and walk away. There are so many other things to think about in my day to day that I have found it’s not worth getting upset over. Invariably there will always be girls that are much lighter then me. Full stop. And I will probably catch a glimpse of their weights on the clip board of doom. and for 5 seconds I will feel bad, less, fat, ugly. And then I will remind myself that that number of mine and that number of “theirs” was probably the same number we had last week and while “they” very well may have judged me for the number I probably was and I probably was a little jealous of how small they were – that it didn’t change my life last week and it won’t change my life this week either. And more likely they were focusing on their perceieved flaws of themselves and don’t give a rats ass if my thigh’s alone weigh the same as a small child.
So while I will never say that I don’t care at all about being weighed at work, there are two very important things to remember:
1. I chose this profession knowing full well that often it was based on looks and that weight, size, attractiveness and other things that I am already insecure about would be a factor. And yet I still choose to subject myself because it’s just a necessary evil to participate in a career path I love. My Choice. Just as it’s my choice to get upset or feel insecure.
2. A number is a number is a number. I’ve never been satisfied no matter how low my number has been and yet I’ve still somehow managed to be gainfully employed as a performer without fail, bonded with good true friends, found the love of my life and enjoy my day to day.
So that’s that, it’s like getting a shot at the doctor, a little prick for a moment and then it’s over. I really do wish I could tell you that I don’t care I always feel great and know that I’m healthy and happy. Perhaps someday in the near future I will be able to say that. But right now that wouldn’t be true. I am affected. I have a scale at my house but since I’m rarely there I don’t use it more then once a month. And I don’t use it if I even suspect my weight is higher then the last time I stepped on it. Because I’ve been through this long enough to know how bad I will feel and its unneccessary so I don’t do it. I protect myself, from myself. Not everyone has to do this. I do right now.
And I always try to wear a dress and heels if I can. Then I feel sexy walking away from the scale 🙂 Try it, you might like it. I always dress sexy when I have to do things that by nature tend to induce an insecure reaction from me – the doctors office, first date, grocery shopping…
It hasn’t always been like this. Me and weigh in’s go way back and not because I was a performer but because when I was 13 I was anorexic and had to get weighed in at the doctors office twice a week. For two years. But the evolution of my coming to some sort of terms with standing on a scale in front of other people is long and can be a little depressing (but a happy ending that involves high heels!) so, if you want that story I’ll put it in another post.
For tonight know that I did my 30x – my push ups and sit ups, told myself I was lovely and loveable and not to worry about the crazy amount of running I’d be doing this weekend and did a light 45 minutes on the elliptical. I even carb’d it up today in preparation for the big race weekend! Yay! Keepin’ my eye on the prize :
And now I’m exhausted….