Day 11 – Mile 10 – Today = Amazing
Enjoy the progression of my enthusiasm and running gear. That shirt didn’t make it the whole way, I tore it by accident at mile 6.7… oops. However I think I’ve decided it’s my lucky shirt and I must wear it come race day… we’ll see if it actually makes it out of the washing machine alive!
Not only did I have a great day off today with Dizzle today as my post before hopefully revealed but after he left for work I ran an entire 10 miles. It took me 2 hours and 3 minutes, which is not stellar but it’s better then I thought I’d do! I hadn’t even planned to do ten but I thought I’d see how my legs felt. After 5 miles I stopped at my now usual mall to pee and drink water from the tap (I’m so ghetto like that) but I also jogged out to a kiosk and bought an apple iced tea and started to jog back. But I felt great! Better then I’d felt before and I was almost at 10k so I thought, I’ll just take a new detour. I know where I have to be, roughly to have 3 miles left to home so I thought just one more mile before heading back would work out, my legs felt good and then wether I walked or ran it, I’d end right at 10 miles back at home. At 8.5 miles, even though I’d just been feeling great, I felt like I WANTED TO STOP NOW. But I’ve felt that way before and it’s usually just that my hamstrings feel tight and I’m getting bored. So I jogged kicking my butt to loosen up my legs. I kept thinking, I’ll just jog out the tightness. I realized at mile 9 that mileage really is just how long you’re willing to keep at it. My legs feel tight at mile 3 so the difference between the tightness at mile 8 and the tightness at mile 10.. is nothing. My legs are just tight and they’re going to be sore no matter how long I run. It was a great revelation but ironically I felt a little disappointed. I think a part of me thought that when I hit a certain mileage (who knew what that would be) I’d feel like an amazing person, an athlete, talented or something. And I realized this is how I look at my performing jobs, and my weight, and my intelligence. It’s like I keep trying to prove to myself that I’m good enough to spend my time on so I keep making these goals like if I hit them I won’t be able to deny how valuable and special I am. Well today at mile 10 I realized that even though I was proud of myself and that I really can say that I am a distance runner (it’s relative though really huh?) that I’m not anymore special then I was as a 3 mile runner and even if I’d run 50 miles there’s still more miles I could run to be better, to be more impressive, more athletic. This is both heartening and disheartening. Heartening in that, you don’t ever have to stop or feel limited, you really can do anything you want. And disheartening in that you and every one else really can do anything they want. Really.
Diz and I had a convo about this today earlier ironically enough. He was talking about how he doesn’t know why I don’t feel cool doing what I do (stilt-walking at the moment), that most people couldn’t do that, my job is specialized. I shot back that actually anyone with two legs can do what I do (sometimes I’m a bitch). They just don’t know how easy it is. They’re just scared of falling. And when I learned to do aerial work I thought the same thing. ANYONE can do it, can learn it, it’s not like what chemistry seems like to me. It’s just a matter of someone teaching you. Strength builds as you learn. But perhaps I just solved my own problems, perhaps EVERYTHING is like that. I don’t think most people look at cirque du soleil performers and think, I can do that. But when you take classes, or like, I happened to fall into for Pirates, you’re hired to do something that looks amazing and you have someone to teach you day by day until you have it… you have it before you know it and you realize what a ruse it is if people think what you do is complicated.
Running is one thing I never thought I could do. I wheezed and coughed at .5 miles all through school and while I was athletic (swim team, soccer, tennis, dance, gymnastics) running seemed the insurmountable athletic skill. I thought I was a fast twitch muscle fiber only girl. But if I can run 10 miles now (admittedly I really took my time working up mileage) with no coach and very little time put into training… well then what else can I do with only a little effort that I thought was IMPOSSIBLE? All in all, this is a great revelation, freeing. But I have to admit the small part of me is disappointed. It’s the kind of disappointed as when I realized Santa wasn’t real, sex isn’t always mind blowing and good things really do come to an end – disappointed on one hand and relieved on the other.
What do you think?
PS. I’ve done 50 push/sit ups and I’m trying to find the will to do the last half… do it Crista, DO IT