Sooooo the long run will not be happening today because I got called into work. However because I am bendy and adaptable (ie. have learned that over-controlling my food and workouts and life gets me pissy and leads nowhere) I made the most of my lunch break 5k! It felt really good too. I’m really getting into this frequent running thing. I may even do an ab routine and some conditioning over my next mini break.
At the gym one of my coworkers commented “hey Crista, you’re skinny now! And now you look sexy. good job” without even thinking I flashed him a smile and said “yeah and now you’ve got pink hair” it was true he did have pink hair. He laughed, I laughed and he said “yup! I’m a barbie doll!” He he he! This is progress folks. Not because someone thinks I’m skinny and sexy, but that I don’t really care one way or another. I walked back up to my green room and it hit me… that comment didn’t affect me at all!! I wanted that word to be real to me soo badly for so long – skinny – the word that seemed to embody everything I didn’t have or attain but needed. For so long that word was my task master and now it sounds the same as carpet. I know that he meant to compliment my hard work. Last year the same coworker commented on how I looked like a man dressed in girls clothing. Not to be mean, just to say he’d never seen a girl who looked so much like a man without meaning too. That hurt me, I believe I even cried when I got home. and now these words mean absolutely nothing to me. I was sexy then and I’m sexy now. Nothing changed. Skinny means nothing. In fact it’s also been thrown at me recently as a criticism. Which to my surprise garners the same response from me. Nothing. Lately I’ve been told I’m too skinny, that I look really young, that I look just right, that I’m surprisingly curvy for my height, that I’m really boyish even that I look older because I’m “too skinny” and if I put on some weight I’d look younger. All of it seems to bring out nothing from me. And when I say recently I mean in the last month, perhaps today is the day it changed because I’m pretty sure even last week I was panicking over something. How did this happen?! I LOVE IT! It’s like I don’t workout any more. I don’t know when I gave up working out but I did. I train. I know what I want from my physical activities and it’s not a smaller dress size it’s distance, speed, ability. Could have been the comments from Carrie or Shanti helping to push me over the edge, Dan’s love, the constant love and support from Melanie. Or the fact that I’m turning 29 in one month. I’m ending my twenties and listening to all these younger girls worry and work and pine over something that is an illusion and it breaks my heart. And then bam, like that I get it. All of this smacks me in the head when I thought about what my coworker said today and how little it affects me, how it didn’t even make me beam with pleasure or satisfaction or make me fear that I’d lose this much sought after title. All I can think about right now is shaving ten minutes off my next 10k, what I’m craving for dinner and exactly how many kisses I’m going to plaster on Dan when I see him tonight. I’m also thinking about which places I need to send my resume to and which photographers I have to contact tonight about photo shoots and plans. I’m thinking about how I can send a congratulations package to my sister who just got an amazing dance job in a coveted show in Vegas and how I’m going to find a way to make it to the US to see her and visit my friends.
This is awesome. I will probably leap for joy… it’s what I do 🙂
Of course I’m also thinking about what an awful idea it was to mix vegetarian baked beans in with my salad today. Gross, don’t do it. I ate it anyway, I was hungry, I even added sunflower seeds. Baked beans are good, salad is good, the combo is not necessary. I’m looking forward to dinner.
Do you have any exciting news?? SHARE WITH ME!