I am craving, craving yoga today. I’m changing, expanding, something is being left behind. I can feel it and I just don’t know what it is yet. I have always considered myself more of an animalistic creature, which may sound really weird, and perhaps it is. But I’ve always experienced things viscerally. Emotions and events show on my skin in goosebumps or eye twitches, tears that flow of their own accord. When I watched the Avatar movie (and I didn’t really like it, I know, I know blockbuster and all but I found it very predictable and tired) I thought that the tribal quality of showing your emotions as they come without filter is not something that is prized in our current culture – immediate expression of anger, wailing publicly over the loss of a loved one, openly showing when you fall in love. But to an extent, this is what I do, or I have come to do this without realizing it. A sort of evolution or reverse evolution – depends on your opinion. As anyone who has ever had to share space with me after the age of 20 can attest, I do, yes, I do cry in public. I’ve been known to cry on the treadmill if a thought or song lends itself. I leap for joy sometimes, and I have to watch how many time I spring into Dan’s arms just because I’m ecstatic to see him. On the other side of it I have also (and I’m a little ashamed of this) stamped my foot in frustration at the train station. I’m not good at hiding my emotions. You think this would not lend itself well to acting and the performing arts. I’ve found it quite the opposite. The animalistic part of me that can know emotions not originally my own and react to situations because I have sense memories of my own have allowed me to experience performances instead of “doing” them.
All this to say I also sense things in my body or in the world around me. Sometimes I misinterpret – as in the tragic and hilarious case of the nosebleeds. I tended to get a few key nosebleeds the day of or the day before some unfortunate events. When Dan and I started dating I had two very epic nosebleeds and I kind of panicked because I knew what that meant. and because I’m me I told him what that meant, of course that he was going to cheat on me or one of us had cancer. Sound crazy? Yeah, it does, I know, but that had been my experience. Now, about six nosebleeds later and with a very understanding boyfriend who laughs about my prophetic nosebleeds I’ve realized one does not indicate the other. But I’m in tune with body to an extent. I can “feel” my kidneys, they ache when I consume too much artificial sweetener or when I’m getting sick but not quite sick yet. I’m aware of Dan when I sleep and his energy. When he turns I wake for a few minutes. I believe this is just a developed sensitivity.
What this has to do with today? I recognize this craving for yoga, which I don’t enjoy very much. My physical desire to stretch and twist and sweat and squeeze means somethings changing. My lack of appetite for social connection is indicative of this too. Things will be different soon and my body is preparing. I’m craving massive amounts of water (which means I am still, even after nighttime water cutoff, waking to pee through the night).
Since I can’t indulge my yoga craving with classes today I’m perusing yoga websites and blogs and maybe I’ll find a quite corner to do a few asanas. My favorite for today? PeaceLoveYoga check it out. An ashtanga yogi’s blog. She’s residing in Stockholm and her pictures are beautiful as well as her writing.