Sooo… I’m kind of enjoying the TinkerBell look I’ve got going on right now. There’s always been a part of me that wanted to go blonde and a part of me that remembered how utterly awful I looked in the blonde wigs I wore for theater. Buuutt, while I think I may look better with dark hair, I’m enjoying the light hair right now 🙂 It’s fun and I think I look sexxy. Ha ha!
In the Mary Martin version of Peter Pan (one of my favorite movies ever, one of my favorite stories ever) Tinker Bell drinks the poison to save Peter’s life and then as she’s dying the audience can save her life by believing and showing they believe by clapping….
Sometimes I need lots and lots of reassurance. I need it about my talent as a performer, my beauty as a woman, and the love that I receive. Being told, being shown, really feels good for a moment but then I worry that its not enough again and need more reassurance. I wouldn’t have admitted this so openly even though it’s something I’ve been specifically aware of for at least the last year. Something inside me has to be okay and know that I am good, safe, valuable, beautiful and loved, in and of myself so that people can give and take without rocking my world or turning it upside down…and so that I’m not dependent on constant reassurance. This was noticed and brought to my attention today. By my love. Someone who says they love me. Daily.
But you know, I drank the poison. More then once. I’ve been told I was loved, over and again. And left and hurt (not unlike everyone else in the entire world). When do I get over this? When do I trust that I am loved, that I am safe, that no one is going to hurt me, cheat on me, tell me I suck? or when do I trust that even if they do, it doesn’t mean anything about me? when do I believe again? The belief right now is like the flickering fairy as the audience begins to clap, not sure but willing to try. I’m blinking on and off. But I’ll continue to clap and eventually… well you know how it ends 🙂 and if not, rent (probably from the library) the live Mary Martin version of Peter Pan. It’s classic!